15-03.07.58 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

This entry is going to be out of order because… I don’t know, when I sat down to write it, it just seemed like the best way to do it. Out of order meaning… even though the best bit of the last 24 hours happened last night, I’ll save it for the end. After all, you can’t have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat.

I exercised today! Not nearly as much as I wanted to or should have. I tried to do an hour or so of Kenpo X and it was going well. I was sweating up a storm and was able to warm up my apartment considerably. (me and the sun, I should say). However, I could not finish the entire hour because of a TMI issue. I don’t know if it was because of the type of exercises or if it is because my skin has been so so so dry lately… but my scrotum started bleeding a little. If this were the first time, I would have been freaking out but… it happened previously shortly after getting out of the shower. Seriously. Dry air plus shitty shitty water.... I’m even using extra moisturizing body wash to try to combat this shit and it isn’t doing enough.

It reminds me, though, of my LEAST favorite part of being an adult… especially being an adult in this city. Doctors of any kind are impossible to find. Everyone I talk to around here doesn’t talk about doctors, don’t go to General Practitioners, and refuse to discuss mental health care. It is like we moved to the most “Doctors ain’t worth shit” city in the world! I know that isn’t the case… and technically, I could probably pester some of my old teachers for recommendations but… I have to admit, that feels weird as shit. “Dear Professor Mary: I have been having a nightmare of medical issues of late and need a Dermatologist, a General Practitioner and a Family Therapist… who do you recommend?” I mean… now that I write it out like that… it doesn’t necessarily seem so weird but… still. It is weird. I think every city or county should have an On-Line list of medical practitioners to make it easier for people moving in to the area. I specifically asked a Social Worker friend of mine about such a list for Mental Health… not even necessarily a public list but if the office of Social Work for the county has a list… nope. So… people who would most benefit from such a list don’t have one. I mean, I know the medical system is screwed up and everything but do we really want to make it this hard to gain access to treatment? Originally, I just thought access problems were strictly monetary issues but it looks to be far more than that. Are we really trying to force Emergency Rooms and Hospitals to provide non-emergency care? Cuz that is horseshit for everyone involved.

Of course, after the workout I showered… after the shower I lathered myself with lotion. I’ve got to stop being itchy and cracking at some point. I promise I’m not a stone golem come to life. After the shower… a much needed haircut. I was giving a lot of consideration to dying it as well… just a lighter color brown for summer and to hide some of the beginning grays; but I figured I’ll wait to see if I passed the Bar Exam before I decide that. With a fresh haircut, it was off to the store to purchase egg sandwich supplies, copious amounts of liquor and the ingredients for this Cheddar-Broccoli Cheese thing I was trying to make tonight. It turned out.... Yeah. It was edible. I’m not nearly as good at cooking as my wife is and I tend to make 8 times the mess, but at least it was something passably healthy that I could eat. Then Video Games until the wife arrives home! My friends and I are going to try to tackle The Vault of Glass tomorrow morning, early. Don’t know how that is going to go but… I’ve owned this game since its release and I’ve never beaten this part of the game. Should be… worth trying.

Also… I’m having a hard time waiting for April. I want Mortal Kombat to arrive to eat up my hours. I want to pass the bar exam and I am having twice-weekly panic attacks about Did I/Didn’t I?

Now for the juicy bit.... friends may know that my wife was having quite the time this week. It seems last night, she was finally prepared to tell me what has been on her mind. Not surprisingly, it started with work but I think she was able to dive within herself to get past the surface excuse.

She came home and seemed fine. But as the night progressed, she began telling me how depressed she’d been feeling lately. And how she is honestly worried she is going to get fired one of these days, because every day at work- she just cares about everything a little less. She cried and ran to me for a hug. We talked about it and the most important thing she said, imo, last night was: “For the longest time I’ve been embarrassed about my job, but now I’m starting to be embarrassed about my life.” I listened… I supported… I encouraged… I reminded her that I got her What Color Is Your Parachute 2015 and tried my best to be encouraging. But of course… it is all on her. This is one of those things where… as much as it is our life, her career and this area of life is hers to deal with. I told her I’d ask around to see if I could find a Career Counselor or Occupational Therapist or something but… with the immensely shitty luck we’ve had finding any doctors of any type at all… there wasn’t much hope there. I think the best (perhaps the only good) thing I said last night was.... “… maybe this is all happening because it is the right time. We got married right before moving to Omaha for law school. Maybe now it is your turn to find out what the next step is. Maybe that is why things are happening exactly this way. Because… lets say I do fail the bar exam this time. But in the meantime, you discover that you want to be a Park Ranger at Mount Rainier. Then thank God I failed the bar exam, because Iowa bar wouldn’t have let me practice in Washington. So… lets take this legal-limbo and bar-pause to really find out where you want to be.”

I honestly believe all that… I believe the best and smartest thing my wife could do with these next 7 weeks is to really try to figure out what she wants to do with her life and where she wants to be. Because… if I don’t pass the bar… our options are running low. If I do pass the bar? Hooray… I can look for a job in Iowa and we can move but… that doesn’t necessarily mean things are going to be at all better for her. But at the same time… she isn’t much one (anymore) to do or go or change. So… all the smart words and meaningful conversations don’t matter in the face of the truth. The truth that, for anything to happen for her, she has to make it happen. I guess I can just pray, support her, and keep being the best Husband I can be. But as I was working out today… it really struck me the ways in which we have both changed since meeting. When I met her, she was a martial artist dancer who was willing to risk to go after what she wanted. Now, none of that is true. When she met me, I was a college student with fibromyalgia and a passion to find purpose. I’m no longer in college and I’ll admit, my Fibromyalgia controls more of my life than I’d like… but I am still consumed with trying to find my purpose… to hunt down what it is I’m supposed to do in this world and do it. I guess it is the old Man/Woman adage.... Women marry men hoping they will change and they rarely do. Men marry women hoping they won’t change and they often do.