15-03.06.57 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Didn’t think I was going to write today as I haven’t really done a great deal but… well, desire to write wins out, I suppose.

I had some interesting dreams last night. ALL of them involving friends or girlfriends that I haven’t seen in years. One involved a cross-hybridization of High School, College, and Law School and had people from all three school periods. The biggest thing in this dream was an element that I’ve seen in a lot of dreams of a similar nature. I convince a friend to take a 3rd period class with me, they drop the class, and I forget to go to it. That exact fact pattern happens a lot in my dreams. I woke up, decided to go back to bed and had a different dream. This time… it was Spider Man and the Avengers vs. Galactus and the Avengers were getting their ASS kicked… and I was a Spider Man… there were several (as has happened in the comics before) but I was too scared to help… and there was a woman with me and her boyfriend… it was “Thompson” (recent ex girlfriend) but in this timeline… she’d had one of my babies, but married someone else and was pregnant with his kid. The husband was an absentee ass. The three of us were out and about when I finally decided to embrace the Super Hero within me and, live or die, help the Avengers. Thompson was so proud of me for stepping up, she broke up with her husband on the spot and said she wanted to be with me.

Those were my dreams. Those are weird dreams. Of course, I’m still tired after all of that but… I need to do more with my day than sleep today. Like… run more errands that my wife asked me to do and such.

Things have been interesting with the wife this week… frankly, I’ll blame her period. But after I describe what has been going on, hopefully it will be apparent that I am not simply being a “jerk guy” by doing so.

Before I go into that, I have been thinking lately about my wife’s preoccupation with gender norms and how she responds to them. She grew up a bit of a Tomboy and an only child in a farming family. Add to that, her name is a common pejorative for effeminate qualities. In short… when our culture consistently uses “girl” as an insult and “Nancy” as a put down… a tomboy girl named Nancy is going to experience the gender normative issues in a unique way. This ties in with the period elements because… it is rather difficult to free yourself from gender concepts when a primary element of the gender is affecting your body. Now… that is just a theory but… I guess I need to create rational theories in order to better accept some of what has taken place recently.

Wednesday: She comes home from work and (fast forward to later in the evening) we’re watching a YouTube video with an Asian-looking man singing a song in Korean. My wife asks if I know whether the performer is Korean and I look at the last name to see if it points to any answers. I say, “That name is actually pretty common in Asia and the spelling doesn’t really help.” A few minutes later, another video of his comes on where he is singing in several languages. I laugh and say, “This doesn’t help much, but it does look like he speaks Korean at least.” This, for reasons far beyond my meager understanding, started a fight. She responded in a hostile manner declaring that his singing in the language doesn’t mean he knows anything about it! I try to reiterate that what I said isn’t conclusive that he is or isn’t something; but his continued singing in Korean suggests that he speaks the language. BOOM… she starts arguing over it like it was the most important conversation she’d had that day. I try to settle things and ask why this is starting a fight. Suddenly, she gets quiet and says, “I don’t know.” I press (and maybe I shouldn’t have) because… if my wife is experiencing something that makes this a knock-down drag-out, I want to know. She refuses to analyze or investigate the issue… won’t even open up about whether it is work, or something else. So I just say, “Y’know… as someone who wants to be a caring husband, it is my responsibility to help you out. So if you want to talk about it, let me know.” To which she responded… quite literally at the top of her lungs… “I DON’T KNOW!”

Then Thursday, when she came back from work… she wanted to focus exclusively on messing with her phone. She was taking it apart and fiddling with the memory card and other elements. Then I hear this terrifying high pitched guttural scream. I race over to her to see what is wrong… what could possibly have caused that noise to come out of my wife… turns out, she was having difficulty getting some pictures fro the internet to properly save onto her phone. That was it. That was what caused my wife to release that terrifying sound of frustration and fury.

Of course… I could be wrong about this being related to her period. She does have it this week, but I could be wrong. But that was the best compound solution I could think of to make her THAT irritable, frustrated, and openly aggressively rage-filled. That… she is going through this experience sans Birth Control (which she is still getting used to) the experience causes her to be short tempered and cranky but she knows that there is no “logical” explanation other than “Girl Troubles” which just pisses her off more as she hates “girly things” and it all coalesces into this tiny ball of rage and spitfire.

It is tough to live with someone who doesn’t share and doesn’t reflect. To be honest… things like this make me ever so much more worried about passing the Bar. Because… we need to get out of Omaha. We need to start moving forward instead of sitting here stagnating. In a lot of ways. Nancy is going to be hateful and frustrated as long as we live in Nebraska, as long as she works at Wal Mart, and as long as she works at that particular store. She is going to be unhappy as long as we are in this apartment, as long as I don’t have a full time job, and as long as I am not technically a lawyer. And I have no idea and no confidence as to what my test score could possibly be.

So… dragons?
Bar Exam… taken, won’t find results for another 6 weeks
Wedding photos… tried contact the photographer again this week, no reply
Marriage… still rocky.