Not ready to go back to work. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s super cold and snowy outside today so I wish I could just stay in and watch movies warm in my bed. I am so fucking sick of winter time that I could scream!!! After months of this shit, my patience with it is gone and I’m going to look into moving!!! I seriously can’t stand this shit anymore!

The UPS guy came yet again to get my treadmill but I had just got out of the shower and wasn’t ready for people. He will come again tomorrow and I’ll be ready for him. I have to get this back to them because the new one is coming on Friday.

I guess someone called my work looking for me and they gave me the number but no one answered. I know it’s not Eric or Brian as I still have their phone numbers on my phone so I wonder who the fuck it is! I blocked my number before I called and that’s probably why they didn’t answer but I don’t know who it is and chances are it’s someone I don’t want being able to call or text me back!!! It’s driving me crazy not knowing who it is though!

Anyways, I’m glad I have to work because I need to get my mind off of things. It still bothers me that I really don’t have any close friends. All I really want at the end of the day is someone to hang out with and I can’t even find that unless it’s people just trying to use me. Maybe I’ll find some good people eventually but because I’m alone, there’s some reason behind it that I’ll eventually understand. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fill the void and every time, I am left upset, confused, angry and heartbroken so I’m going to step off the grid for awhile and just worry about the things in my life that need my attention that make me happy which is my niece and my job.

I’m coming to realize that I think I do have some self esteem issues and that’s why I always like to have even one guy on the hook. It makes me feel good about myself to know that there’s someone out there that wants me and says nice things to me but then when they piss me off, I change my number and forget about them. I know that’s probably not always the best way to handle things but I’m just used to dealing with people that I can’t communicate with and I won’t let people distract me from my job so I just cross them off. I like know that there’s even guy that wants me but I know that’s not doing anything for me too. I just don’t know how to completely break this cycle.

Even with Brian, there was things about him that bothered me. He works construction and I’m guessing he just doesn’t work when he’s between jobs. When I was at his house, I was annoyed that his kids slept on the floor! They didn’t even have their own beds! It’s like, WTF do you do with your money?! I was also annoyed that he has a piece of shit SUV that he drives with no insurance! I wonder if he even has a drivers license! I was at his house the other night and he asked me to go fill his sons bottle so I get in the fridge and all that was in there was some milk and like 5 eggs! Like are you kidding me?!?!?!?! I was also annoyed because he was so big, like he had to have outweighed me by like 100 pounds. He definitely had a cute face but his body was just so gross because he was huge!!!!!!!!!! I had issues even wanting to get close to him because he was so fucking big!!! Ugh!!!

I am kinda picky, I admit that. I’m always told that I’m beautiful and what not but it’s hard for me to tell a guy he’s sexy or cute if I don’t really think he is. I didn’t say it to Brian much because I just wasn’t attracted to his body. I think I was just trying to convince myself I was into him because he was so into me and I hadn’t had that in awhile. I also know that Eric was into me too but he went crazy and become emotionally abusive which is something I’m not willing to deal with ever again. I have my limitations and that is something that’s just not going to fly.

I have to be to work in about 2 hours. I wish my water heater worked better so that I could get dishes done but I know I won’t have enough so it’s gonna have to wait until I get off work or until tomorrow. I have lasagna I want to make. I love cooking but it just doesn’t happen much because of work and sometimes I’m just too tired but I plan to start making more time for it.

My days off went pretty good and I got some sleep so work tonight shouldn’t be too bad. I hope the night goes fast and I can get home at a decent hour. I know I’m going to be freezing by the time I get home so I plan on taking a hot bath and going to bed. I am so sick of this shitty weather. It’s really old and ridiculous.

I’m getting bored just hanging out at home so I’m glad I have to leave for work soon. I’m glad I did everything I needed to do yesterday so I can just get in the car and go. I have a bad habit of putting things off until they have to be done but I got a bunch of shit done yesterday so I’m good. I’m still waiting for my plates to come in the mail and I’m getting super impatient. I fucking hate waiting!

So I’ve decided that I want a really pretty original flower tattooed on my left breast for my birthday. I must find a tattoo artist who is super talented that can draw something for me and then ink it onto my body. I’ve been wanting this for awhile but I’ve decided it’s going to be my birthday present to myself. It’s probably the only thing I’ll get for my day anyway. I never really get gifts so at least I’ll have money to get stuff for myself.

I am just so thankful that I’ve grown so much stronger and that I walk away from situations long before they can do any serious damage. I know that I cared for Brian but I think rationally now and look at the big picture instead of just paying attention to the good and what I’ve built up in my head and then be devastated when everything starts to crumble. I noticed with Brian how things started to change very quickly where he wasn’t as affectionate anymore, didn’t ask about my day anymore and constantly talked shit about his girlfriend and I don’t know if he did it to impress me or not but every time he said something mean about her I wanted to remind him that at one point in time if not now he still loves her and liked her enough to have a baby with her! I’m not stupid, I know how men are and I find it funny that they think I’m just too stupid to see it!

Men are just fucking game players and selfish pieces of shit and Brian was no different. I honestly gave him the benefit of the doubt at first but I could see what kind of person he really was by the second day. He’s a very selfish person and only cares about himself and what makes me him feel good. I remember him telling me that he liked that I made him feel wanted which I took as I was just good for his ego. I also remember how he would text me shit about how he would want to blast her in her ugly fucking face and how she would just talk shit to him but it’s like okay well if it’s that bad tell her to fucking leave! I’m not going to be your sounding board and the truth is, I’m like the last one to talk to about relationships as I just don’t give a fuck and can’t stand hearing about drama!!!! I could care less what is going on between you and your girlfriend unless you are kicking her the fuck out! Otherwise, I don’t need to know ANYTHING that is going on!

I think men want to tell you about it because they are so caught up in it and have been for so long that they forget not everyone gives a shit! I am one of these people. I don’t care about drama as I have very minimal amounts of my own and just don’t like hearing about other people not getting along. Maybe he thought I wanted to hear about it because it would make me feel like there’s a better chance of them breaking up but it’s like, he’s been putting up with it for 5 years and puts up with her not working and taking off for days a time than that’s on him! Obviously he likes it because he’s been putting up with it for so long and I’m sorry that I’m not a crazy attention whore that wants to hurt anyone! I’ve been told that I’m not crazy enough and I will happily take that as a fucking compliment!

Anyways, it’s time to get my ass out the door and I’m just hoping my night goes fast because it’s cold as fuck outside!!!!