I'm doin alright. in Since OD is shutting down....

I eventually talked to him and he was being an asshole and saying a bunch of confusing shit so as soon as we hung up, I changed my phone number. I am so glad that things ended as quickly as they did so I didn’t get super hurt. Now, I just hope he doesn’t get a job at my work and just leaves me alone so I can just forget about him. It’s my own fault for not walking away sooner but I’m not going to be down or angry at myself for too long like I’ve done before. I was pretty upset earlier today but my friend talked me into getting out of the house so I mailed off my rent check, got cupcakes, filled my gas tank and got some stuff from the dollar store. I came home and had some chips and dip and took a fabulous nap.

It does hurt and it’s going to take me some time to process everything that happened but it’s my own fault for knowing he had a girlfriend and even though he said he loved me and blah blah blah to keep me around, I didn’t take any of it seriously and the next time someone tells me that they have significant other and whether they are with them just for the kids or not, I will run right then. It’s just not worth the bullshit and I’m grateful that I didn’t try and stick around like I would have done in the past. I used to stick around until I’m a complete mess and then it takes me months to start to feel human again and I’m super glad I’ve stopped doing that. If it’s not working out then it’s not working out and it’s time to leave it alone.

Now as long as I get my period in the next few days, I will have nothing to worry about. I’ve had unprotected sex and I just want to make sure I am gonna be okay. I know I’m fucking stupid but after this, I don’t see myself having sex again for quite awhile. I know that the chance of me getting pregnant is pretty slim considering I’m so overweight, I’m almost 30 and because I don’t feel like I am at all but I just want to make sure by my period showing up. From now on, if someone does come along, they will either wear a condom or we aren’t going to go all the way. I’m a tad stressed about this but if it did happen, it’s my own fault for not taking the proper precautions.

I’ve had a pretty good couple of days off though. It’s been nice to just hang out at home, SLEEP, eat home cooked stuff and get stuff done. I love having days off. I am however glad to get back to work but apparently we are due for a huge blizzard and I’m scared work will be closed or we will still have to be there and have to drive there and be scared shitless the whole fucking way. I am going to be so fucking glad when it is done snowing and will start being warm everyday. This is shit is just getting ridiculous.

My blood sugar is a tad high because I haven’t taken any insulin until a few minutes ago and I’ve ate a lot of junk today. I know it’s not what I should be doing but it seems like my ritual for my days off. I’m also somewhat depressed and it makes me feel better. I know that I have serious food issues and I need to figure out what to do about it. I don’t know if it’s self esteem, boredom or habit but I desperately need to stop eating crap!!! Sometimes I feel that food is the only thing I really have that makes me feel good and when I’m eating, I’m in control. It’s not good to eat like crazy anymore because of the Belviq, it makes me full a lot quicker so if I eat more than what I should, I have a stomachache for the rest of the fucking day.

The Brian thing still gets to me because I don’t know how we loved each other last week and now this week, we are already done talking. I know that I didn’t love him but it was nice having someone say it to me on the daily because I haven’t had that in so long. I honestly believe I fuck with dudes because it helps my self esteem. I know that I don’t love them back, but I make them feel like I do because then they become even sweeter to me and they give me what I haven’t had before. Brian did that for me. I already miss having someone to look forward to hearing from and seeing but just as I got used to it, I am ready to get back to just worrying about my job and what I need to do. I was also sick of getting in trouble at work by texting him back. I’m ready to just get back to being alone because it’s all I know.

My friend Dani said I need to just be by myself for awhile and just quit trying. I think she’s right. I’ve put myself out there enough and all I’ve gotten back is a bunch of heartache and a bunch of bullshit that I just don’t want. I just need to accept that this place is full of a lot of crazy dudes and I’m never going to find someone here who fits my criteria. Most of them are already in relationships and just want to stick their dick in something other than what they have at home.

I feel that every time I go through this, it’s my own fault because I put myself out there. So to avoid this happening anymore, I plan to just work, see my niece when I can and just live in life. I’ve already proved to myself a thousand times that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life so now it’s time to just leave it as such.

Gonna enjoy my night. Bedtime.