Worried for nothing in Torridaussity Two

Well a week has passed since my potential work crisis and it seems either the kid was lying when he said what he said or the mom didn’t really care about it. Things have actually been going well work wise other than the weather keeps getting school canceled or delayed or left out early. Two weeks ago I lost 23 hours of work and that means 23 hours of pay and I really can’t afford that. I want to make it here till September as then I will have completed my 10th year and I feel like that is a good accomplishment. I love the kids I work with and if the money was better I could stay longer, but the financial stress is taking a toll on me. And I made the mistake of telling my parents I only had 20 bucks to last a week and the gave me money when they are still strapped financially. I tried to give it back and they refused. I am truly blessed with the best parents I could ever ask for. I just hope I can help them when they need it.

As for my love life/lack there of A says to me the other night I just need you, but I know he really doesn’t for reasons unbeknownst to me he finds me incredibly attractive and if I gave him the red light and we lived in the same country he would have me as a friend with benefits. He cares about me I know that, but I deserve more and I want more and one day I will have to tell him good bye because the more close we become the harder it is for me to think I can have anything more. M keeps flitting in and out of my life as well and it’s really a similar situation he’s in another country he tells me he loves me (just as friends), but we know there is more there than friends I can admit it, he can’t and because of the distance we just do this dance of what if. I should walk away from them both, but in my own way I love them both and they are a part of me and to walk away would be like cutting out a piece of me and throwing it away.

I guess that is all I really want to share. No one in my real life really know about A or M accept my friend Ed and he doesn’t know the extent of my feelings or how long they have been in my life. I keep a lot of things in my private life private even from my best friends because I don’t want to be judged and I don’t want to hear what I already know to be true that I deserve more. Sometimes I just want to live without judgement. I know writing about it in here and I keep the details private even in here opens it up for judgement, but I can ignore people on here lol. I do actively look for someone here in the same place as me looking for the same things so that is a good thing.

Hope you are all well. <3 you.