Entry 15-02.28.51 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

The answer, likely, is money. Money and family and love and time. But the question? Why is health, in all its many facets, so damned difficult? Healthy work life, healthy home life, healthy sex life, healthy social life; healthy mind, healthy body, healthy spirit........ health. as a general concept, seems to be impossible! I mean… health should be our normal; healthy should be our homeostasis. But everywhere you look… personally, culturally, ecologically, economically… health is the goal. Healthy is something to reach for. That just strikes me as so tragic.

What is worse… is that I always thought open conversation was the key to healthy living. And that isn’t the case. God, I need a therapist… and so does my wife… and so does our marriage. Why do things cost money… take time… and, worst of all… sometimes involve coercion. BIGGEST QUESTION: Why has mental health in general become so underfunded, unavailable, and difficult to find? Pisses me off. In America, or at least the MidWest, mental health institutes are closing down all over the place. The truly mentally in need are being foisted onto the streets where many will remain; becoming homeless, convicts, and/or wards of the state anyway. I just don’t see why it has become so politically efficacious to do things that will further burden the state financially and put citizens in danger. Since the political world has set the standard, we are seeing less and less devoted therapists and more and more devoted Prescriptionists. Maybe I do come from an older school of thought that “talk therapy” has merit but… in a world that continues to dissociate communication and expression, it just seems to me that we could all use more talk therapy instead of less.

To somewhat get out of my own head for a bit… and distract myself that my life is, at present, a waiting game… waiting for people, waiting for products, waiting for exam results, waiting for job openings.... waiting.... I stole this and am sharing my answers:

Countdown Survey

Ten random facts about yourself:
1) Despite being an actor from 5 to 21; I was not involved in a feature film until I was 16 years old.
2) When I was 2 years old, I stopped growing completely. I randomly started several months later (after thousands of tests) and to this day, nobody knows why I stopped or started.
3) Around 8 years old, my family and I were on vacation in Northern Minnesota. The hotel room had two large beds, so I had to share with my brother. After a few days, I refused to use the bed because my testicles were in so much pain I couldn’t sleep without widely spreading my legs. At the end of the vacation, I was rushed to the hospital where it was discovered I had testicular tortion in both testicles and was hours away from scrotal-death.
4) I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was 20. The best way to explain what the unmedicated pain felt like? Imagine exercising so much that your muscles are experiencing the worst Exercise Fatigue imaginable… now multiply that pain by five and that was how most of my body felt all the time… now multiply that by ten and that is how my legs felt most of the time.
5) In the course of my life, I have lived in four different cities but only two different states.
6) I can’t remember why or when I first fell in love with Irish culture; but I have loved it and wanted to visit Ireland ever since.
7) I was never weirded out or grossed out by my parents showing affection and, in fact, was always comforted by their displays of love towards one another.
8) I have “owned” three cars in my entire life, but my present car is the only one that wasn’t a “hand me down” or an “inheritance.”
9) In elementary school, I was open to all activities I could be involved in… so I participated in almost every artistic or athletic activity that was ever offered to me.
10) Frequently, when I tell people my entire work history, they are surprised that I’ve worked so many jobs and in such different fields… but honestly, I’ve only really had ten or eleven jobs since turning 15.

Nine things you do everyday:
1) Check the internet (e-mail, facebook, prosebox)
2) Sing, even if only to myself in my head
3) Bite my nails.
4) Watch TV (even if it is only late at night, when the wife turns on a program to fall asleep to)
5) Some kind of reading
6) Put on at least one article of clothing. Much as I like nudity, sometimes underwear is important.
7) Struggle with decisions
8) Tell my wife (or a family member) “I love you.”
9) Turn on a light

Eight things that annoy you:
1) Intentional Ignorance
2) Being unable to communicate a concept properly
3) Arrogant Superiority
4) Omaha Drivers
5) Criminal Defendants that believe rules/laws apply to “others” or “lesser people”
6) People who refuse to get to the point of what they are saying
7) Unwavering Political Party Loyalty… if you can’t say one potentially bad thing about your party… you’re not looking closely enough.
8) Slow Internet

Seven fears/phobias:
1) Drowning. Seriously, this one is so ego based… but it is still a legitimate fear.
2) Never coming close to my potential
3) Bees… I don’t want to see you go extinct so seriously… stop stinging me!
4) Persistent Vegetative State
5) Never feeling like we have “enough”
6) Caitlin… just… I may be afraid for a while, there
7) In a similar vein, I do feel fear and apprehension that I will never truly get over, around, or through my past.... and that it will always haunt me and be a very “present” issue

Six songs that you’re addicted to:
1) For Sentimental Reasons- Nat King Cole
2) It’s Only a Paper Moon- Nat King Cole
3) Bob- Weird Al
4) Turn the World Around- Henry Belafonte
5) Walk- Pantera
6) Sanctuary- Darling Violetta

Five things you can’t live without:
1) Music
2) Conversation
3) Knowledge
4) Pleasant Smells
5) Physical Contact

Four memories you won’t forget:
1) The concert and after party when my orchestra was playing for the Mayor of Graz, Austria
2) My 21st Birthday “Party”
3) Almost the entire day of 9/11/2001
4) Truthfully? I remember every flubbed or forgotten line I ever missed in a play, every relationship termination, and almost every serious illness or injury I ever sustained… there’s a reason I’m worried that I’ll never got over/around my past!

Three words you can’t go a day without:
1) Love
2) Nor
3) Balls

Two things you wish you could do:
1) Understand and Speak every language ever.
2) Make my wife happy

One person you can trust:
1) For the most part, honestly, my wife.