...Weight...What..? in Just a wolf...

There is no way in hell I could ever reach 120lbs…not with my nerves and stomach. I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned my eating disorder before or not. No, I am not an anorexic nor am I a bulimic. My case is different, it can’t really be classified as one particular thing. From 18 to about 23 I didn’t eat much. It was never a goal for me to lose weight. I already only weighed about 125lbs.. the most I’ve ever weighed was 130lbs..when I was 16-17, So weight loss was never something that I would strive for. I just let a bitch fuck with my head so much. I thought she loved me, but a bitch can only be a bitch. So basically, her head games lead to me feeling like I wasn’t good enough for her so I didn’t deserve to eat.( It could also be tied in to my father constantly asking me if I deserved it after I asked him for something growing up) I just wasn’t good enough.
Those years were spent in a dark depression.I didn’t want to eat, didn’t feel hungry at all but I drank a ton of coffee..I busted my ass at work, forcing myself to get through each shift because I needed to survive somehow (and I still wasn’t sure why) I needed to be able to pay rent, pot and smokes, also transportation to and from work.
Pot, smokes, coffee…That was more or less my diet. So from the moment I woke up to the point I’d go to sleep, I would be fighting severe nausea, I always had to run to the employees washroom to get sick. I probably destroyed my stomach lining with all that coffee. I would drink up to 8 pots of coffee a day, pretty dumb. But I had to keep myself going, had to keep working, had to prove to my family, who’re always against me, that I can make it on my own.( I was working, paying my rent and finished m high school all at the same time when I was 18, the very beginning of my downward spiral.)
Anyways, as the years went on, my habits worsened. One night I caught a reflection of myself in the window, sideways view, and I seen my ribcage trying to through my flesh, I had gotten really skinny, luckily, I’ve never been under 100lbs., that I’m aware of anyways.
When I was 22 or 23 I trained my body to feel hungry again when I smoke a joint cause I couldn’t feel hunger, just nausea. I would smoke a joint then force feed myself. Now I feel hungry again.
Now that I’ve done a lot of work on my hunger, I just need to work on my nerves. My nerves affect my stomach too. This is probably my biggest health issue thus far.
Take tonight, the whole reason I’m writing this entry in the first place, We woke up fine, he got to work, I came home, had my coffee ( I only have a couple coffees a week now) Made one clay piece and started dishes. Then about 3-3:30 I started to feel nauseous…I got sick and at 4 Bat called me, telling me he punched the wall of his work and hurt his hand really bad cause they were fucking around with him at work again. Saying they weren’t good enough and that they’d start cutting hours and hiring another person. Which I believe to be total bullshit cause no one wants to work there. Bat is only tolerating this job for me. Point is, the reason I got sick was because my body seems to know there’s something wrong. It has a connection with Bat. I have a connection with him. (This is why the dyke (me) moved from Canada to the States and married a guy) Sigh..I get sick..I worry about things..Our situation, our future, and I get sick. I’m currently 110lbs. 5 foot 2. And I get scared I’m too skinny. But I worry too much about life and it makes me literally sick. I worry mostly about Bat though, He needs to eventually get the fuck out of there. Go back to college. I won’t leave him, I won’t. But his unhappiness and hatred towards this world does take a toll on my health. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I know it’s all psychological, I know I’m only sick because of what’s going on in my head. And thanks to Bat, I now know that Ritalin helps me relax and focus my brain, to stop panicking and worrying all the time. Problem is, I don’t have a social security number thus I cannot have a doctor. Yet. But I will, eventually. I just need to survive until I can start working. Meh…I’ll make it. We’ll make it.
-Wolfy11