Social anxiety in 1st

Tonya asked me Monday about going out with them for a few drinks Thursday. She told me where but failed to mention who else was going. Only today did I discover 3 others and that this apparently was a regular thing. I was basically being asked to be part of the group.

We got out early today and when that happens we all get out pretty much so when we want to. I left at 3:45 with promises of people being there about 4:30. I had trouble finding the place because… people in cars. No other reason it was big and obvious but I was so worried about my slowing down to locate landmarks that I missed it completely. It was 4:15 when I found it. I sat in my car listening to whatever came out of my Zune and applying makeup so I didn’t feel like I looked like shit.... I had exchanged my uniform shirt for a flannel and I guess I felt okay. I was going over in my mind how many drinks were okay, what time I should leave, how do I get home from here, what/how should I order?… So, I looked up their website to discover Ladies night tonight 1/2 wine. … Couldn’t remember how to say the wine type I like barely remember that it starts with an M and ends with an o. Figured they would have a list and I’ll just point, or something. Talking myself into not freaking out and just leaving because .... I’d feel dumb ordering? 4:45 yeah a half hour of sitting in my car thinking about nothing important and just bubbling with nerves even though I work with these people now… I see them all the time… and only an hour ago. I went into the bar… looked around… Tonya had said she would try to get the tables to the left… they were all full and none of them were people I knew. .... looked around some more and left. I sat in the parking lot about another 15 mins watching cars and people. I really did hope someone would come soon. i really did want to stay. That’s what I’ll tell myself. Instead I probably spent more time looking at my phone than scanning the parking lot, trying to figure out how to get home from there without back tracking too far.

Rocky has a party to go to Saturday, he wants to drag me along. I want to drop him off and pick him up drunk later.

Social anxiety gets the best of me most of the time. I miss parties I want to actually attend. I don’t want to get married because I don’t want to be around all those people at once. I don’t care who they are or how much I love each and every one. I just feel frozen. The one things I think about more than anything else are about when can I, how can I, What kind of excuse I can give so I can .... LEAVE.

It’s stupid. When I think someone expects me to act a certain way or do something.... I mean when I’m alone hanging out at a coffee shop for 6 freakin’ hours I’m fine but ask me to go get a drink with a group of peers and I’m a deer in headlights. I know how to not get hit but I stand in the lights as long as I can. Tell them I’ll go, go there and buck before anyone else shows up. sigh

Note here that when I went with Tom, William, Dan, Matt and their families/dates and Shane I had Rocky with me and Tom spotted us while we were shopping the area before dinner… and I knew who was expected before we got there. Only low levels of “can we go now” and when Rocky spilled some water him being drunk seemed like a great excuse.

I just get so frustrated with myself. What would it have hurt just to get A drink and hang out… fried pickles or some other bar food snacky thing.....NOTHING… Rocky was all good with me going I already told him about it. .... I am my biggest enemy.