Dropped out, brokenhearted. in Since OD is shutting down....

Last night was probably one of the worst nights of my life. Brian and I have decided that we are going to part ways. I know that it’s in my best interest but I’m hurting to the point where I keep having crying spells and just feel so angry. I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to get over him but I will. I must go on. I just hope all of these heartbreaks have some kind of meaning behind them because I really want to understand why. This guy had a very profound impact on me and I’m scared to death I will never find someone to treat me as good as he did. I miss him. Every second that goes by it’s hard to realize I have to be without him. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally made my decision to drop out of college. I am pretty down by this but it’s something I’ve been thinking about since last semester and I only owe $5,000 right now and I’d rather drop out now then wait until I rack up even more in loans that I will have to pay. I am not thrilled with my decision but I’m hoping now that without headache of homework and getting up early that I can start working on other dreams, such as losing weight and recover from being so sleep deprived that I can start feeling human again. I will not regret dropping out as I will actually get more sleep and have more time and energy for my niece. I have to start making student loan payments within the next 6 months. I’m not too worried about it but it does suck to know that if I choose to go back to school, I will have to pay for 1 semester out of pocket before they will reinstate my financial aid so I will more than likely not return to college as I’m not going to put myself in debt like that. I will never have the money to pay for one semester out of pocket.

Today is not a good day and I plan to go take a nap. I woke up super fucking tired again this morning but I’m hoping that’s going to change now that i don’t have to worry about going to school or doing homework. I honestly am not going to miss that shit whatsoever. I also won’t miss not being able to find a place to fucking park either. Even today, it was miserable trying to find a place just to drop out! Ugh! Thank God i don’t have to worry about it anymore.

I know I’m going to get notes about how dropping out isn’t a good decision but it’s my life and I have to live with the choices I make and I’m already feeling like shit about it but I have to do what’s best for me and running around tired and fuck for weeks on end isn’t my idea of a fun life to live. I am just so drained from it all and I’m going to look forward to getting sleep now. I still have to work a lot but at least now I won’t have to worry about coming home doing homework or worrying about it while I’m at work anymore.

Fuck. I just feel so empty. I could feel myself falling in love with him. I miss his strong arms around me. Him kissing the inside of my palm. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop crying. I just can’t take this. I can’t get him out of my mind.

I gotta go lay down.