Written in Pieces #3 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Early 2/24
It isn’t like I have to prove this to you or anyone… not even myself, really. But… it has to be said again. I worked my ass off for this test. But I still can’t help but be terrified. Only 70 people will pass this exam this time. I’ve had family, friends, teachers, strangers… all wish me well, all know that I worked hard. I don’t want to let them down. I don’t want to let myself down. I don’t want to disappoint my wife… I never want to have to tell her again, “Sorry, love… we can’t quite start the life we’re trying for. Botched another one.” I’ve been praying, I’ve been studying, I’ve even been eating/sleeping. I’ve done everything I can for this. I just… need it to be enough. Higher than 115; trying for 150; need to pass!

Pre MPT 2/24
Tried to save this part already… failed due to sketchy internet here. Before the test, my stomach was in knots… tied up and trying to vomit. Next to me was someone bragging about passing the California Bar, next to her someone bragging about passing the Illinois Bar. Granted, they could be lying but it does shake my confidence a bit. I know for sure that if I have to take this test again… as much as I’d hate to do that… but if I fail here and have to take the test again.... I will have to come back to DM to look through the files. It will be a hassle and a headache but I’ll HAVE to know why I failed. Last time, I just assumed my failure came about due to poor preparation… but that isn’t and can’t be the case this time. So… if I do fail, I am going to need to know why. So I can NOT fail in the summer. Because… this has to be taken care of this year. 2015, Bar Exam Passed. Fingers crossed and pray until I’m exhausted that passing the bar exam happens THIS week but at the very least… finish in 2015.

Lunch 2/24
Tried to save this part already… failed due to sketchy internet here. MPT went okay. First question, no worries. Second question… I finished it early which always causes me considerable concern. I know I’ve worked at least 20% harder studying this time than I did last time. Easily 20% more. Probably more than that. So, theoretically, I should do at least 20% better. But… this whole thing is so crazy. We’re all so pissed that they call this a “minimum knowledge” exam because… that just doesn’t track. If this was an exam to test the minimum knowledge, then there would be a mandatory score for passing. There isn’t one. There is a mandatory fail rate. Which suggests it isn’t about minimum knowledge, but entirely about controlling the flow and availability of lawyers to practice within a state. We are, genuinely, being opposed by people who need us to fail so they can continue to work. Gah. Anyway, I have about an hour for lunch and then the part of the exam I am always most concerned about: THE MEE!

Post MEE 2/24
Hoo boy. Discovered some interesting, upsetting things. First of all, a LOT of students taking the test today won’t be back tomorrow. That is because a lot of these people are transfers. Transfers means two things, both of which bad. ONE: Transfers mean that these are people that have already passed the bar exam in other jurisdictions so… they’ve already proven themselves. TWO: Transfers mean that they don’t have to take the MBE… they get to use their most recent score… in other words, I’m now competing against many people that have already passed. MY ability to pass, therefore, has gone down incrementally because I now have to compete for fewer spaces. As far as the essays tonight went? Oh, no no no no. Torts essay, no worries… I think I got it. Secured Transactions essay… I’m fucked. Trusts and Estates essay… god dammit. Real Property essay… are you kidding me?! Civil Procedure essay.... c’mon I thought I knew more than this! Con Law essay… a topic I’ve been getting 80% on in quizzes… totally bombed the last half of that question! Yeah, it was a shitty question because it said “Analyze the previous problem through the 14th Amendment paying specific attention to Section 5 of the Amendment.” Which… would have required me to memorize the entire amendment verbatim. Which I did not do.

The GOOD NEWS, though is… last time I took the essay exam? I left feeling sick to my stomach, entirely stupid, and frustrated. Last time, I finished the exam an hour early because I simply didn’t know anything on the essay portion. This time… I just feel shitty. I feel like I knew how to answer most of the essay questions in some form… not in a form that is passing, but at least in a form that would prove to the casual observer that I am not (this time) mentally incapable.

Ridiculous as it is, I am going to try to study at least a little tonight. Do some quizzes. Because if I am competing against people who have already received such high scores in the MBE that they don’t have to take it?! I need to do better than I have been.

Last of 2/24
So coming home was an experience. First thing I did was look up the 14th Amendment Section 5… because why would the bar ask about a specific section?! Well… now I feel dumb. That section, in whole, states: “The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.” Dammit.
Then around the dinner table, I am trying to explain the whole Transfer students thing. How if someone passes the bar in another jurisdiction, they can retain their MBE score and only have to take one day of the bar. My dad jumps in and says, “If you have to take it again, do that next time. No reason to take two days if you can only take one.” I try, four times, to explain to him that one can only do that if they have PASSED the bar… he doesn’t get it and he can’t hear me. I refuse to shout because then he takes it as an argument. So… yeah, I just agreed with him. “Okay, if I pass the bar this time and have to take the bar again, I’ll be sure to do that.” ::eye roll::

Lastly, there’s this weird thing that’s been happening this evening when I close my eyes. I get images, I don’t know where they came from or why they pop into my head, but I get seductive images of bright red lips and red fingernails with a backdrop of ghost white skin. Black hair playing against cream skin. Just… these quick, seductive flashes of black hair, red lips/fingernails, and pale skin. Definitely not my wife but I don’t know who it could be.