With a glacier's patience/devastation and regeneration in Random Thoughts

I have decided to move back to Bellingham, which means leaving Kevin. I have never felt such a dichotomy of lightness of being and happiness, along with a dread of impending devastation. I know this is the right decision to make because i feel it from my soul to the bottom of my soles. As a result, the impending doom i feel is a mix of guilt (because i have not told him yet) and the knowledge of how much i am going to hurt him. Over the years i have learned that it hurts me so much to hurt another because i am so incredibly emotionally sensitive.

I have kept things going longer than i should. Maybe because we are taught to “stick with it” and i do tend to make a decision and follow it through. I am dependable that way. Strangely, part of what allows me to accept this is an economics podcast i heard a while back. The podcast is called “Freakanomics” and the episode was “The upside of quitting.” It was all about the benefits of quitting and how it is actually ok. They addressed quitting in all aspects of our lives. I may even write them and tell about my own personal quitting story.

So, as things are.... i am almost done with my Bellingham School District application. I think i have a good chance of getting a job. I worked for them before as a sub, and a half year leave replacement position. All those years ago when i left (2009), i had been offered a full time job, but it was after i had already signed my contract with Forks. I can’t even imagine how my life would have changed if i had decided to stay. How things would have ended up with Mark. Oh, Mark. the one i thought i would marry, the one i realized i wanted children with. That was 6 years ago. And here i am, still without children and wishing i had stayed and made it work.

When i talk about this, it brings a memory that haunts me. Over winter break i visited Bellingham (which spurred this decision to change my life and move). It had been the first time in about a year and a half. Part of my visit was a purge. Part of it was to tell Mark that i was getting married. I had to… how do you say… tie loose ends? That’s not the right phrase, but you get the meaning. Well, the memory that haunts me is Mark and i sitting in the wine bar, the same place we spent many loving hours together.... him telling me that he wished he had said yes to children, in fact he wished we had several. he used his hands to show me the heights of several children. For weeks after I just kept seeing him showing me how he wished he had said yes…

More to come. While i type this, Kevin sits next to me and I need to put this away.

Last updated February 23, 2015