Written in Pieces #1 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Briefly from 2/21
Today, I studied considerably. So, the Saturday before the exam I ran through over 200 flashcards and did another few multiple choice tests. Seriously? I still got around 50%! I mean… on the one hand, yay for studying on Saturday. I don’t think I studied that much the entire weekend before the bar last time. But… it isn’t going to make me feel better. Corporations, Trusts, Secured Transactions, Business Associations, Wills, Civil Procedure, Real Property, and Contracts are all still giving me various levels of significant trouble. Now… true, that is only 8 subjects out of 16; but I can give a personal guarantee that Corporations, Trusts, Secured Transactions, and Business Associations will be on the essay portion. And you can bet your soul that Contracts, Civil Property and Real Property will be liberally sprinkled throughout the pages of the MBE on Wednesday. I’ll keep drilling Sunday and Monday but… as I’ve said before… pass or fail, the important thing is.... I’ve studied, I’ve worked, I’ve stressed… I need to do better than 115. Now here’s where things change. Usually, if I set a goal, I get close to it. But “better than 115” may mean I only get a 116 as it technically meets my goal requirements. But… I want to be better at goal setting. If the Kaplan Final Exam average was 120 and last year’s Bar Exam Average was 140… my goal score is a 150. Fingers crossed.

Late at 2/21
Called my wife tonight. Maybe good thing, maybe bad thing. She’d had a rough day at work, terrible day. Began reading one of the Find Your Careers books I bought her. Immediately discounted it out of hand. Began ruminating on all of the problems in her life and all of the things going wrong and started crying. She doesn’t cry much. She started sobbing. She openly stated she was ready to start looking for help… help on her life, on her career, on her feeling so sad all the time… but simultaneously… don’t bring up counseling because it will start an argument. Meanwhile, she did some great stuff for our house economically by saving us $100 due to the apartment’s error. So, I’m trying to encourage her because she is good with money and that kind of thing. I’m trying to be encouraging, she’s having a meltdown somewhat related to the depression she refuses to acknowledge, and I have the most important exam of my life coming up in the next few days. Ufda. Here’s the obvious: she needs counseling, I need counseling, we need counseling. I don’t think that is going to happen in Omaha due to how nobody calls us back (as the whole Psych field is overwhelmed and under staffed in the city). Plus, it costs money we don’t have. IF I can even get my wife to agree to go to a counselor. I know that success in the coming exam isn’t a magic wand but… IF I pass then I can get a job. IF I get a job, then we’ll have a permanent address and an income. IF I have a home and income, I can look for Psych and Physical professionals to help my wife and I. If I fail the exam? I stay in Omaha, studying for the next try, keeping us in a city without a home, without an income, and without Pscyh or Physical professionals to help me and my wife.

Of course, all of this comes up as I’ve been working at my parents’ home and wondering about certain personal things. Like… usually, I love how my wife can keep things clean and help motivate me and does such a wonderful job with organizing our stuff (paperwork, insurance, payments, etcetera). However, I do often worry that our marriage happened because of the wrong reasons. Honestly, before the woman I married… I did not have a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months, save one. And that one was a relationship I tried to end before six months, but she was crazy and abusive and wouldn’t leave. Ultimately, I worry that the reason my wife and I got married is because she was the first (and only) woman that wanted to be by my side for an extended period of time. Like, that either sounds romantic or stupid. Because the whole idea is “This woman shows me loyalty, I’ll marry her to forge a mutual bond of loyalty.” I don’t know if that’s true, but the fact that I even think it worries me.