to live my life as its meant to be in furious, fragile, and free

I guess it’s always Mumford & Sons, huh?

Valentine’s Day is about the world’s three most important things: chocolate, pink and sparkles.

I’ve decided to get over all the pressures of this holiday and not feel like I’m supposed to be sad or something, or hate this holiday, because I love pink. I love glitter. I love chocolate. I love wine. I love my friends and I love myself. So…I went out to the theater with two of my roommates last night for Galentine’s (watch Parks & Rec) and this morning, we went out for lunch. Tonight, I’ll be getting drunk off wine and watching lots of chick flicks while eating chocolate and I’m SUPER happy about that.

Last year, Patrick took me out to a fancy dinner downtown and bought us tickets to see a show and we stayed the night in a hotel. I’m not sad remembering this, it’s just weird. One year ago today everything was magical and now I never want to see him again. I guess that’s how it goes.

I really loved Patrick and now I never want to see him again.

I’m ready to move on (am moving on), I’m just sad without someone who knows me as well as Patrick did. I’m very VERY introverted so it takes me a long time to get close to people and like I don’t want to go through that whole process again so I’m probably going to be alone forever?

HOW DO YOU MEET PEOPLE???

Playing catch up: Patrick and I broke up, yes we all know that. We talked in November and worked things out so I invited him to my birthday, which was fun, albeit a bit awkward. On Christmas, I find out he’s taken his new girlfriend to Disneyland with his family (on Christmas) and that his new girlfriend is one of his old co-workers from Petsmart. While we were together, he would hang out with those people a lot and repeatedly tell me how much he didn’t like them? so he’s a liar obviously.

Now, my life consists of spending a lot of time with my roommates and worrying about the future while embracing the moments I’m given. I know life is changing very quickly so I want to enjoy this time while I have it. But, things are still weird. I’m lonely and I hate to wish I was seeing someone, but I do. I need to work on opening up to people, but I don’t know how to articulate the big things.

I’m applying to be editor in chief of my college newspaper and I’m absolutely fucking terrified. My classes are getting harder and I need to get an internship and fucking adulthood is difficult and I don’t want it. I just want the carefree of being 21 with a group of friends and the knowledge that the night can be endless if we wanted it to be. I want the idea of potential, maybe not the actualization of it.

holy shit that’s terrifying?

In the meantime, I’m coping with everything by watching lots of Netflix. I guess that’s all I’ve got for now. Writing helps, at least.