we ain't perfect in 2015

10:33pm

Uh, when did February happen? I don’t even remember switching over the months. I think I wrote 2014 on something just yesterday. hah. These months always seem to fly right by me. I’m just concentrating on making it through each day and trying not to worry about anything else.

We’ve been working 12 hour days this last week and haven’t had a day off in a few weeks. I’m hoping next Sunday we’ll actually have it off. I’ve been trying to convince Mom to do something fun for Valentine’s day since the next day might actually be our first “break” in weeks. And because I spend too much time with my mother and Valentine’s is my favorite holiday. =)

I always find it kind of crazy/hard to believe when people mention that they could never work with their mothers. It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. Sure we get on each other’s nerves. We know exactly which buttons to push, and we push them far too often. But I wouldn’t trade it. Seriously. It’s kind of awesome. She’s my mother, and it’s nice to get along so well with her, and I love her. Maybe it comes from the crazy way we were forced to be raised, but I don’t know. I can’t imagine not being close with my own mother. Although I understand that people have a lot of problems with personal relationships. Sometimes you just have to really appreciate what you have when it’s all you have left.

I don’t know. I never really know what to say when people mention it. Like we’re some kind of oddity or something. And I don’t even want to tell them about how we live together and I choose to spend my free time with her too. hah! I should probably find some other friends. I don’t even want to consider what would happen to me if she ever leaves [or if I go first..]. But mostly I just giggle and make sarcastic jokes about our relationship and move on. She’s kinda the best, but I don’t want anyone to envy us too much. ;-)

That’s enough of that. haha. I really am looking forward to Valentine’s day. I’ve got my dress all picked out already and surprises planned for said mother. [shh. don’t tell her!] I just love all the love that day. Even if I don’t have anyone “special” to share it with. It’s just this day where most everyone suddenly feels all friendly and lovely. I don’t know. It’s my favorite for reasons unknown. And I’ll probably give out cards again this year if I have any choice in the matter. Everyone deserves a little love that day [or any day really, but you know].

Apparently my typing is horrendous right now. Backspace is seriously coming in handy. And maybe I’ve had a couple drinks but it shouldn’t be this bad. I’m blaming it on the combination of tired and tequila. Because the tequila hasn’t been that much and the tired is beyond too much. I should be sleeping but I have to write.

I had this dream last night, several actually, involving CK. And I know how I keep trying to move on but damnit something keeps dragging me back in. Even if he doesn’t respond to my texts and it drives me insane!

There was one I distinctly remember. I was in some sort of car and we passed someone on the road. At first all I saw was this big cowboy hat and then a few seconds later he was somehow sitting in the back of the passing car. We looked at each other, looked away, and then made eye contact again. He made a really shy hesitant sorta wave and I did the same in return. Then my dream self refused to make eye contact with him again.

It was one of those dreams that stick with you. The kind that are all too vivid. They leave you feeling like something actually happened in real life. And all day I’ve been having these weird sentiments inside. Like all these little things remind me of him [as they normally do these days] and I remember the dream and all the feelings that came with it.

Then about half-way through my morning routine today I realized that another dream must have had me finding out about him being with another girl. Because suddenly things clicked and I noticed that a lot of the feelings were stemming from a situation like that.

I don’t know. Life’s just weird, and messed up, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I’m probably at my worst physically [except the weird mysterious illness part, that’s doing ok these days, Thank God!] and yet I’m doing alright emotionally. I mean, for the most part at least. But it’s throwing me off and I don’t know what to do. Like do I care and try to fix it, or do I say, “eff it” and move on. There isn’t much I can do, but I hate to see things getting worse. I want to be better than this. I really do. But I can’t seem to figure out how..and there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight.

I think the ck thing is strange for me too because last year at this time I was seeing him like every single week. Right now I haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving, or Christmas if you count catching him in his truck down the street. We’ve sent a few texts here and there. And I thought he was making a new effort to keep in touch but it’s died out again. Like he doesn’t know what to say, or I don’t know. I try not to think about it too much. But it’s still throwing me off after all this time. Who knew that stinkin’ country kid walking into my office with his silly notebook was going to have such an impact on my life?

I certainly never imagined it, and I never thought I would still be repeating the same old things to this day. But oh well. That’s just life, huh?

Tomorrow is my day to sleep in a bit. We still have to go into work for a few hours but at least I have some time to do other things. You know, like laundry and mowing the lawn and all those other chores that have suddenly dropped off the radar because we’re never home. We’ll see how the rain holds up tomorrow though.

rose.
11:01pm