Learn By Doing in Everyday Ramblings

So last year about this time I found a snowman on this patch of exposed historical pavement down on the cul-de-sac under the tram line I walk under most days when out and about getting my activity. Today it is almost 50°F (10°C). It feels like a weird weird world out there in so many ways.

I had a bit of a rough patch emotionally yesterday morning about losing my sister. I guess what is a surprise is that it took this long, almost a week. But I had to focus on work with Saint Joe gone and then supporting the rest of the family as they were on the scene dealing with the practicalities.

Over the months to come you will read more about her. Obviously, we are an unusually close sibling group, (maybe not as much as that family in New York that were rarely allowed to leave their apartment and watched thousands of movies together that this new fascinating documentary at Sundance is about), but close.

She was 10 years older than me and I worshipped her when I was a kid.

Then when I was 13 and my mother became ill with cancer, and through a dramatic and unforgettable series of circumstances this wild child was sent off to live with her.

With no support I might add.

Just, hello, I know you are only 24 and are trying to raise two small children on your own, but here you go, now you have your anorexic younger sister who barely speaks to take care of too.

That was me.

And she did take me in and I lived with her on and off for the next 9 years or so. So this was a much more complex relationship than just two more ordinary sisters.

I am kind of scared because there is a big bundle of unaddressed complicated emotions in me about the life I led during most of that time. A life I only partially chose, with exposure to an amazingly broad range of people from an indigenous American bank robber named Stormy who served time in Alcatraz to famous architects and scientists.

With her I had nothing that vaguely resembled a “normal” life for a teenager. I didn’t go to school; I didn’t participate in sports or the arts or volunteer for good causes.

I did babysit a heck of a lot. :) We didn’t have a car. She never learned to drive. I came and went basically as I pleased. Sometimes I had a room but for years I slept on the couch. I was kind of like a weird sort of sub parent to the kids, sometimes one of them, and sometimes the authority.

When I was twenty-one I met a wonderful guy, (he is still a wonderful guy, we communicate on Facebook) and I married him so I could make a move towards a more settled normal..ish life.

Except I wasn’t ready. Not really. And the marriage only lasted a few years.

I just sort of muddled through after that…trying to find my own way in the world.

It has been very complicated. And losing her now makes it an interesting crossroads for me to meet myself.

What she wanted more than anything else for me is to be independent and happy. And you know, except for the problems I have at work, I am.

I had seven students in my new class last night and it was a challenge but one I was up for, in spite of my insecurities. (Which, are presently flying around the room untethered with a life of their own.)

So much to do before we leave Thursday but I’ll muddle through.

That is something I know how to do.

Last updated January 27, 2015