I’m listening to Bill Burr’s comedic session and he brings up an interesting point about beautiful women. He says he’s suspicious of beautiful women, because they’re never around when you’re on the futon with a bowl of mac and cheese. However, when you’re moving up in the world, and find yourself with a little more money, they start coming around and getting interested in you for some reason. You know you should be sticking with the woman that was with you during the futon years, but when the crazy beautiful women come around, we get tempted and the dicks start saying shit and then the problems start
Kind of hits home.
I’m pretty much on the futon. I’m not going to get into all the minutiae of what happened in my previous relationship, but the futon is where I sleep now. I’ve been in some crazy situations in the past, and have wondered at how the hell I got out of it. Yet, I’m still here. For today, I’ve got a roof over my head and some mac and cheese in the cupboard. I’m doing the school thing and the school work thing and the dance thing, for what it’s worth. For a few months even, I’ve got some leverage. I’m a little worried, but putting things into perspective, things are better than they have been. I’m surviving as a single man in California, I’m not starving, I’m not completely alone, I’m not without transportation, etc.
Onward to the subject: the relationship thing. So I’m figuring I’m not the most attractive guy according to standards of today. I don’t have the Chris Evans or Chris Pratt body, as much as I am trying to get it. I’m sure there are women as picky as fuck out there, and I can understand that, because to a certain degree, so am I. On another note, I can read about chicks looking for friends with benefits or just dudes to hook up with like it was as easy as taking an afternoon nap. For guys, it’s different. For guys like me, I have the conflict of feelings and all the other wants that come with it, like cuddling and caressing and foreplay and whatnot. If I’m not engaged with that person, I can’t find my rise. The soldier can’t stand at attention for that long if the proper motivations aren’t put into place, if you get what I mean. So, that’s my problem. A traditionalist mind with a romantic heart set upon a liberal world and the inner conflict that occurs because of it.
I’m on the futon because I have to be. That’s not something that I chose to have or looked forward to.
I read about the freedoms of being single and the life one could lead- but these are from the perspectives of women. I’m starting to think it’s different for guys. I’m starting to think that it’s completely different for guys. Or maybe it gets even deeper to being different for different sets of guys. I’m not as equipped to handle this shit for some reason. Promiscuity and maintaining are not things I like to juggle around, and we have problems if I were ever to try. I hang out with people and find myself in situations that are most debilitating, but I find my way through them and come out more informed, and stronger, than before. But it’s never a debilitating situation with someone else, it’s a situation involving personal finance, or scheduling, or work, or whatever. The relationship thing is something that I was never too big on. Hell, the last person I dated that went on to something serious was with my ex-wife, almost 9 years ago. We dated for 2 weeks before I proposed. Now, granted I was in a situation, as she was in a situation, and the situation was bullshit to begin with, but that was my overall exposure to the dating scene and if that was my first impression of it in my 20’s, I’m sure that kind of mindset about how relationships are supposed to work is still somewhere in the back of my head, fucking with me whenever I go out on a first date with a chick and fail.
I think maybe it’s California. I went on 2 dates with a woman in Colorado. She was sweet and funny and awesome. I have nothing against her, it’s just the distance now that I’m back in Cali. Heck, I even slept with her (not sexual) and did a little bit of the holding, caressing thing with her. But it was for a weekend. I craved more of it, but the problem of distance sucks, as it always does. I could be completely compatible with someone in Salem, Maine, and never know it because they’re in another part of the country and I’m in California where I am compatible with nobody. Or maybe I am compatible with someone, I just haven’t sifted through all the bullshit women and all the women that aren’t compatible yet to really find them. Maybe I’ve been narrowing down my search to just women within a certain criteria, because I think that’s what would make me the happiest- a female within the ages of 28-35. Maybe an 18-year-old will make me happy? Maybe a 40-year-old will make me happy? Who knows? The only thing I’m sure of at this point is that it’ll definitely have to be a woman, and I’m not going to have any closure on this until I put a ring on it.
Anyway, I’ve written enough for today. I’ll probably get into it more later.
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