My Dream in Coping

So I wrote about what happened with Ronnie but what I didn’t say is how much I’ve beaten myself up over it since it happened. For some reason, even though I KNOW that I was vulnerable, and I KNOW he played me I still think I should have been able to see right through him. I still feel like I was so stupid. And I still beat myself up with feelings of ‘ What Elton must think of me??? “.

Well, the other night I was lying in bed and I couldn’t sleep. The reason why? Ronnie. For some reason I could not get that situation off my mind. The whole thing was bothering me and I was in tears. The fact that I gave myself to him only for him to use me like that still really upsets me. OK, I get that it was definitely a learning experience ( but darn, this late in my life? ), but did it have to be with the person who had been my husbands best friend and someone who had been a dear friend to me for 30yrs? Obviously, I know now that he wasn’t really a friend. Anyway, it was 1am and there was nobody I could call and talk to at that time of the morning. Even in Alabama it was midnight and I didn’t want to take a chance of waking my bestie up ( although she would have been there in a heartbeat ). So I lay there, and I cried wishing the whole time that it had never happened and that Elton were still here.

At some point I apparently fell asleep because I had this dream, a dream of Elton. I have to tell you, I have had very few dreams of him since he passed and I cherish every one of them. And it’s odd because the few I HAVE had, have been when I’ve been in times of need. The dream was either short or I only remember the end of it. Elton was sitting in a chair dressed in a white uniform ( not in a gown like we typically picture people in heaven ). This tickled me later on because I’ve always told him I loved how a guy looked in Navy dress whites. Not sure if that had anything to do with how he appeared in the dream or not..... Anyway, he had this beautiful smile on his face and he reached out and put his hand on my face and just held it there. I reached up to stroke his face and it was so smooth and it felt so good to feel him again. It was so real. I could honestly feel him; how soft his skin was, the silkiness of his hair, and his eyes… they shone so beautifully, not dull like when he was sick at the end. I woke up then, with my hand still in the air, trying to touch his face.

I’m sitting here in tears as I write this. I miss him so much still. It is so hard trying to start this new life without him. I fully believe though that the dream was his way of telling me things were fine, that I hadn’t disappointed him, and that it was time to try and move on from Ronnie. I believe Elton knows how badly I was hurt and he was saying “It’s OK darling. It’s OK. You’re going to make it through this. Just remember how strong you are.”.

Although I still have a hard time with what happened I fully believe that “My guy” has my back in a very special way. And life does go on. It’s certainly not easy, but between God, Eltons rare but special “visits”, and my strength I think I’m going to make it.

Last updated January 26, 2015