My Sinful Heart Has A Big Mouth in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

An old saying, “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all” comes to mind tonight as I am unable to rest with a deeply convicted heart. That old rule of thumb can serve as a double edge sword, sharply cutting whence it is unshielded. For months I have held my tongue and 90% of the time done my best to say nothing unkind and more often buried the hurt and burning anger that had grown within my heart. Don't say anything at all isn't always the best rule of thumb, it does however depend on the parties involved. I'm one to resolve, not liking discourse or drama in the least. I prefer to put on the table a discussion and clear the air rather than let dust and muck build over time. Saying something nice is of immense value, to any ears kindness is sweet as candy. To a Christian words that edify are priceless.

Tonight I ran my debit card of kindness dry, failing to say anything nice and worse ran my mouth and let months of hurt tumble out in a judgmental and unkind way. What's more is how it blew the lie I'd been carrying on my shoulder about not being hurt and having forgiven completely out of the water. In less that five minutes I realized I hadn't forgiven much of anything but had stuffed a pile of hurt and mixed up feelings into a bag and shoved them deep into the closet of denial.

I am ashamed of myself, embarrassed I got caught saying what I said, angry that I'm still harboring ill will, and disappointed at the ease of my mouth being so unkind. My hurt is not an excuse to speak, rather it should be the very reason to lift up the person I am troubled over. I'd kick myself with the I should know better, and in a I way I should, yet I also know this is a good lesson in I'm not perfect, young in my walk beside Christ and I have many reasons to repent of so much. The words so often taken out of context, “Who are YOU to judge?” scream in my ears in the very context so often thrown in a Christian's face. I am nobody, nobody but a lowly sinner who proved that truer than ever tonight.

I have a pile of mess on my table tonight and need to sort and get it cleaned up. First, I need to pray to be released from the pain of being poked at. I swore not to take things that were said personally but I did, deeply. Words don't make things real, but once said they can't be taken back and two people cutting at each other does not make me right. I need to forgive and ask to be forgiven. Pride is telling me I will only take it to the Lord and not to go to the person directly. I'm not sure it would be right to do that anyway, so I am going to pray on that. Second, I need to remember this is a member of my Family and therefore nothing but edification is called for, nothing. I am called to love and failed. Repentance can be making a conscious effort to do right, speak in kindness, to reach out, to edify, and to stop rolling my eyes and being intolerant.

The brokenness I feel in my heart is deep, sorrowful. Surely tonight I've died on the cross. Pride, self-righteousness and spiritual laziness took me over.