Entry 15-01.23.22 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Loads of studying today; likely to hit between 10 and 15 hours actually (helps that I started studying at 6:30 am today). Really getting some good progress on the videos… then it’ll be time to tackle the practice quizzes and practice essays. Most likely going to hit between 40 and 50 hours for the week! That being said though? Still can’t help my mind wandering from time to time. And… considering my typical relationship concern… I’d bet a silver dollar many of you could guess what my mind keeps wandering off to!

PS: In reference to the phrase “Why can’t I be the guy that sees an awesomely hot woman and… I don’t know? Confidently strolls over to her and compliments her dancing? Asks for her number? I don’t know… suggests coyly that I would like to do whatever I can to make her orgasm so many times she loses count?”
from my previous entry.... obviously I’m not that guy. I’ve never been that guy. Neither that guy that says something offensive as a pick up line nor that guy that comfortably approaches strange women in any way. not really.

I mean… looking back at it. I’ve only ever asked out… let me see… working backwards… my wife approached me (so that doesn’t count), before that was Thompson (Complicated Approach, friends for two years prior), before that was the girl at the club (whose rejection was intentionally humiliating), before that was Jenny (friends first, shut me down gently), before that was Lizzy (friends first, but shut me down hard), before that was Rachel (which did result in a date, albeit an awful one), before that was Caitlin (who tied me to a tree, so that doesn’t count), before that was Buffy (close friends first, resulted in dating), before that was Cherilyn (friends first), before that was T2 (friends first), before that was Krys (not exactly friends first and not exactly a straight rejection but… more or less), before that was J’asch (not friends first, offended that I thought I had any rights talking to her), before that was Deb (not friends first, painful rejection), and before that was T1 (friends first.)

So, after quick review… I’ve only ever asked out/dated 14 women. Of that, 8 ever resulted in at least one date. 6 resulted in rejection. Of those “positive” 8, there were only a few that didn’t result from the female approaching me or us being set up… four to be precise. Of those 6 negative, all of them were a result of my approach and 4 of them were of strangers. So I suppose statistically, it breaks down thusly:
4 Women Approached Me/Set Up
4 Women Approached & Dated (Friends)
4 Women Approached & Rejected (Strangers)
2 Women Approached & Rejected (Friends)

So… yeah… I don’t approach strangers. And I can’t speak for “everyone like me” but speaking for myself (but stating it in a generalized manner to feel less singled out and vulnerable) guys like me see those guys all the time. The guy that walks into a place and starts flirting with a stranger and takes her home. The guy that, some crazy how, catcalls a girl on the street and gets her number. The dude at the club who buys a girl a drink and they’re making out within an hour. The Frat Bro who hosts a bash and hooks up with the attractive freshman. I see them all over my life and I am baffled. I hear women discuss how catcalls and yelling from cars is offensive, but I’ve seen it work. I know women who insist that they have high standards; and yet have gone home with a guy the night they met.

So… to conclude and refocus on what I was trying to say. Yes. I would love to be the guy that could just chat up a stranger. I would love to be the guy that had the confidence to introduce himself to an attractive woman and at least get her name. Even though I’m married, the act of introducing myself to a woman I find attractive would feel like a much needed emotional victory for me. But I am very genuinely incapable of such an action. And, in my own way, if I can’t do it right… I at least wish I could do it wrong. That was essentially what I meant. That… maybe I’ll never be the guy that can introduce himself to an attractive woman. But even douche-bags that rely on sexist, misogynist vulgarities tend to have more social success than I enjoy. Almost like a terrible sitcom… even being able to say the wrong thing would at least mean I was able to say something.