Random late night entry in Boredoms

I’ve been having lots of knotty tension in my stomach lately, which I believe means I’m feeling stressed. I think I’ve nailed it down, mostly, to my feelings about myself; feelings which have always been less than stellar. I’ve been known to rant about the weird aspects of myself and how I feel they make me unlikeable. I’ve been thinking more and more about my tendency to be silly. I’ve come to rely very heavily on that in my life because it’s really the only way I can get people to enjoy my company. It makes me look stupid (which to be fair I kinda am) and opens me to seemingly good-natured ridicule from damn near everyone but without I don’t really have anything going for me. I can’t rely on actual wit because, well, the me being stupid thing. Frankly, without that element of my personality, I don’t really know what I am.

Regardless, I’ve decided to try and stop. The hardest part of this is resisting the urge to throw out whatever random ass thing pops into my head at any moment. I actually have to stop the impulse to always respond to everything whether I have anything useful to contribute just because I’m afraid it’ll be awkward if I don’t. I think what’s bringing this desire for change about is the impending start of rehearsals for the play. I get to meet a whole new set of people who share at least one interest in common with me and it’s a good control group to see what impact, if any, I have on people without my well-established buffoonery. February 16th is the first day. Only a handful of people will be there as my call isn’t until 9:15.

The fact that the school has a Catholic environment concerns me a little. I should know better than to harbor instant negativity towards a person/place simply based on that but it frequently scares me how religion can affect people. And the nature of the play will almost certainly involve lots of theological discussion so I’ve been trying to prepare to answer any questioning as to my beliefs during the course of rehearsals. At least there will be lots of casual vulgarity being thrown around, that will be comforting.