Sleep deprived, frustrated, feeling out of sorts. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been a very busy first week of the semester and I’m fighting to catch up on sleep. I had my niece last night because I didn’t get her last weekend but she’s gonna be going home soon and then I need to get some homework done. I have hours worth and need today and tomorrow to get things done. I already feel like I’m behind and I’m realizing that I will have to budget my time wisely and won’t be able to be at work all the time like I had originally planned. I’m okay with that because I paid $500 on my car and I now owe $600 and paid $150 on my credit card. I’m just going to be so fucking happy once I own my car and can start doing other things with my money.

I’m feeling pretty annoyed with my brother at this point and it’s like no matter how many times I tell him I work and go to school, he still thinks I am always available when he needs me. I had to give his girlfriend a ride on Friday while I was working because she had a mandatory meeting at work and didn’t have his car to get there. I had to leave work, lose 30 minutes of pay and then later he was being funny about my friend and I coming over to see my niece! He just doesn’t like me bringing people over, whether he knows them or not and that starts to piss me off. I don’t like how everything has to be HIS way or nothing at all. I was absolutely livid and was getting more mad that I let someone get to me like he did. He will just always know how to push those buttons.

All I know is I’m still super sleep deprived and if I don’t get a nap, a good nights sleep tonight and get sleep tomorrow, I’m going to become a raging bitch. Staying the night with Steve like I did really fucked me up and I’m STILL making up for it! I really get annoyed with myself because I always think that there will be more time later to catch up on sleep and I’m always so wrong so I just have to run around tired all the fucking time! I also got annoyed last night because my niece fell asleep late so my friend and I were just hanging out waiting for her to wake up but my brother made sure that I took her home before getting my niece and I would just like to know why. My friend loves my niece and I’m guessing my brother’s girlfriend is extremely jealous so nobody is allowed to be around. I of course don’t tell my friend this shit because I doubt she would be understanding but it’s just bullshit that I have to abide by bullshit stipulations or I don’t get to see her. Such a fucking joke.

If I would have known it was going to be like this to see her, I would have continued staying away. I get so sick of the games, selfishness, and anger I have to go through. I am about at the end of my rope, especially when the only time I hear from him is when he needs something. I even brought it up again on Friday because I hadn’t heard from him all week until he called asking me if I could give his girlfriend a ride. I remind him again that I get really sick of people getting ahold of me just when they need something and how I don’t like one-sided relationships but it doesn’t matter. It’s never going to change. Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to allow this into my life. Whether I want to see my niece or not, it just doesn’t seem fair to have to put up with this amount of bullshit to make it possible.

I’m just waiting for them to come and get her because I need to get my homework done. He hasn’t answered my text yet so I’ll have to text several times because he likes to claim that he didn’t hear it because he’s a selfish, inconsiderate bastard and doesn’t care that I have other things I need to get done today. I just think it’s bullshit that I don’t really get to see her unless I take her overnight and then I’m pretty much stuck with her until he wakes up and is ready to get her. Maybe I’m getting more mad about things then I should but I really don’t know how much longer I’m going to put up with any of this shit.

I’m glad that I have today and tomorrow for homework and to just relax. I originally planned to work this weekend, even a few hours but I’m just exhausted. I’m still super down about things not working out with Steve. I don’t know why it’s still bothering me like it is but I wish I’d get over it already. Last night I was eating with my friend and ended up texting him. He was still nice but didn’t say he was glad to hear from me and I said something about how I don’t hear from him and don’t know what to make of that and he didn’t respond and because I can take a hint, I deleted his phone numbers and our text. I just have to leave him alone and accept that for whatever reason, he doesn’t want any kind of relationship with me.

What gets me most is how we hit it off like nobody’s business and then every day I was in contact with him, he grew more distant and withdrawn without any explanation. I know that whatever his deal is probably has to do more with himself than with me but I was really hoping we could have had something. It just kills me that people are so quick to run instead of communicating and trying to make things work. We live in a time where it’s easier to throw things away than to fix them. I know that because his dick kept going soft that he was probably ashamed but he still could have talked to me about it instead of becoming distant and not talking to me! I know that it’s for the best though because he was very selfish and I could see a lot of things about him that were already pissing me off and he had a lot of really selfish qualities that were getting to me. Then when he mentioned something about having to be careful of his gas and that’s why he wasn’t able to come over, I was instantly turned off and was glad he was so upfront with his selfishness before I had the chance to fall for him.

I know that I’m stuck on this simply because I don’t have a replacement and because I’m always hoping that the next one will be someone I could have a long term thing with. Whatever.

Nap time.