School starts in 2 Minus 2 hours. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I have been up since like 2am and I’m so annoyed by this. I know that going to bed at like 10 wasn’t a good idea as I never get to bed that early but I’ve been tired of days and I figured I’d be able to sleep through the night just fine but oh how wrong I was. It’s 7am and my class is at 9 so I have about an hour an half before I have to leave but I’m starting to get tired and grateful that once I get done there, maybe a nap will be in order. I do need to get groceries since I didn’t over the weekend because I was so busy but I’m gonna need to make a trip to Walmart.

I’m excited for school to start. I’m a tad nervous but I know I’ll be fine once I get there and sit down. I’m glad that I will only have 1 on campus class and the other 2 are online so I’ll only have to worry about going to the one. I’m just ready to get the first few minutes of awkward over with. I hate being uncomfortable but I just keep telling myself that I’m not the only one that has to go through it so it will be just fine.I have about an hour.

Right now I’m just getting my hair dry, figuring out what to wear and getting my laptop charged.

I do wish that things could have been different with Steve but I have worked just too fucking hard to prevent/allow unhealthy, one-sided relationships into my life and I feel like if I let things continue with him it would just be another shitty experience. If he gets ahold of me today, we’ll see what he has to say but I’m pretty much done with him and his bullshit. I wouldn’t mind being friends that talked sometimes but I don’t want to try and be more than that because I refuse to put more into this than he does. Just done that shit too many times. It also bothered me that I had mentioned him coming over to my house but he said that he had to be careful of his gas until he got paid and it made me feel like I was talking to my ex because he was the same way and he lived about a mile from me!

What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Not only do I need to use my gas to come see him but pay for food and beer as well? What does he have to contribute?! Nothing! I guess he feels that because I make tips than it’s okay for me to fund our nights together but I think it’s his job as the man to contribute just as much as me if not more. I just can’t wrap my head around men who behave this way and just wait for the woman to make all the sacrifices for things to work. If you aren’t going to put in just as much as they are then don’t be shocked when they walk away. I’m sorry but I’m a firm believer that any relationship you have in life whether it’s a boyfriend, parent, friend, or anyone you have in your life it needs to be a 2-way street. I just don’t get these people who feel that they don’t need to make any effort and contribute nothing and then wonder why things don’t work!

Sometimes I feel like I’m single and alone because I’m too stubborn to let people use me and take advantage like they’ve done in the past. I know the main reason why a lot of people were around like they were is because they benefited from me in some way. I just want to feel like people come around and choose to be a part of my life because they love me, not because I’m someone to count on when they are down and out. It’s just pretty much bullshit that even now, I’m still finding people who are just out to use me and that essentially pushes me away.

OMG, my tired is hitting me. I knew I should have taken 2 melatonin last night because one just wasn’t enough. I don’t want to be so dependent on that shit anymore so I only took one thinking I’d be okay because I was tired but now that I’ve already been up for 5 hours, I will be making sure to take 2 tonight before I go to bed because I don’t want this to happen again. Fuck, I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep without something to help me wind down and shut my brain off. I still think way too much sometimes.

I’m so fucking glad I’m off tonight and if they try to call me in, I will straight up say no. I worked 6 days straight last week and I refuse to do that again. I wouldn’t mind working at the other store over the weekend but I need my days off too. I love being busy though but I just get concerned if I don’t get enough sleep because that’s when I get burnt out quicker, start making mistakes, and feel like I don’t get enough time for myself. Lately it’s been nice having so much going on but I will admit it’s been a little more than what I wanted. It’ll be nice not having to worry about spending the night anywhere though. It’s just too much of a hassle making sure to take everything I need, lugging it around and making sure not to forget anything.

Ugh, I’m just ready to go and get this done so I can come home and sleep. I also just want to be home. I’ve been running around so much and it’s made me miss my house. I plan to come home from school and snuggle with my warm micro fleece blankets with the heat cranked and fall asleep watching tv. That sounds so awesome right now. I just can’t wait! I’m so tired right now and it’s pissing me off because I could have slept last night but I think I’m stressing about school and that made it hard for me to sleep but it irritated me that when I woke up at 2, I was wide awake so I knew that going back to sleep was impossible.

I plan to go start my car in a few because it’s cold again today. I’m really fucking sick of these cold days and how tired it makes me. I seriously get so fucking annoyed with this shit. It’s also really hard on my car and that pisses me off too. I’m ready for it to start getting warmer and the next few days it’s supposed to be around 40 every day so I really hope that happens.

Anyways, I need to get ready to go. I’ll write more when I get back.