Heather, my Mother, and guilt. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so my text conversation resulted in her telling me to have a nice life. She apologized saying she was sorry, didn’t think what she did would hurt me so I wrote back and apologized for blowing her off so long that I just couldn’t find the words and because I fucking hate arguing with people and didn’t want to end up not being friends at all and that’s exactly what happened. She said something about how our friendship didn’t mean anything to me and then even after I apologized for blowing her off, she still tells me to have a nice life?! Um, alrighty then. I think she’s so used to her boyfriend always chasing her and having him always be the one to take the high road that she thinks everyone is going to do that shit with her but I won’t. Again, I really don’t care if I have friends or not at this stage of my life. I just don’t get why every time I try and communicate my feelings to someone that it has to end up like this. Oh fucking well.

I feel guilty for hurting my Mom’s feelings. I really don’t want to be this heartless, cold person but I’ve tried every other approach with my Mom and things just keep ending up the same damn way. I just can’t handle the bullshit where you are always supposed to feel bad. It drives me crazy that she takes NO responsibility for all that money they took from me and don’t care how it’s affected my life. It’s just sad that nothing is ever going to be resolved. I just wish my parents could be normal people that actually acted like normal parents. It’s super frustrating that things have to be so stressful and I can’t have the relationship with them like it should be.

Sometimes my guilt just turns into anger. Most of the time I honestly believe I’m happier being by myself where no one is too close. I’m tired of dealing with other people’s bullshit and I’m liking just doing my own thing where I really don’t have to spend money on other people (besides my niece) where I don’t have to worry about really having plans with people and having to worry about wasting energy arguing with anyone. I’m liking my little world of work, school, money, sleep, and just doing me. It’s so much easier the way it’s been lately.

My days of chasing people are over. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I just don’t feel like I have it in me to really care about other people anymore. I care only about the ones who actually show me they care about me. I don’t know what has made me start to feel this way but I really like it. The only time it sucks is when I need someone to talk to when I need help making decisions but otherwise, I’m at peace being by myself. I can understand why my ex was always like, “I just don’t give a fuck” and literally said it ALL THE FUCKING TIME and how annoying it got but now I have the same mindset. I think once you realize how much you cared in the past and you just ended up with your heart in the ground, you have to stop caring completely to get back to knowing yourself again. I know I don’t care about anyone like I should other than the kids I’m related to.

I like just having me to worry about most of the time. I honestly feel pretty happy most of the time and the only thing that gets me is my weight which I need to work on more than what I have been lately. It’s just been super hard with the holidays and not being able to keep up with eating right but I plan to get back to all of that starting tomorrow. It just kills me not being able to get my ass to the gym, especially when I pay to fucking be there. I hate being almost 30, diabetic and overweight because I know that if things were different, it wouldn’t be a big problem for me to go work out with it being so cold but I just can’t risk it until it starts to warm up. It’s just driving me crazy that I didn’t start this weight loss shit last summer when it was hot out and I didn’t have to worry about catching a cold. FUCK.

Anyways, I’m gonna go watch GIrlCode and pass out.