Entry 15-01.05.07 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Entry Table of Contents
(a) Writing
(b) Last Night
(c) Real World Transitions
(d) Outro

And the band played on… as the music wafted across the night sky and the echoes played against the waves, it almost felt as though the world were not ending. As long as the music persisted, the lives lost would continue; the memory of that night would live on. (Not from anything or about anything… just popped into my head, so I wrote it down.)

Not surprisingly, last night was a bust. I’ll admit a considerable share of responsibility for that, though. When the wife came home, she raced for the comfy chair and wrapped herself in my grandmother’s giant blue magic blanket. A fairly clear message that she was cold and wanted to be comfy. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to do, anything she wanted to watch… I have to stop doing that, lol. My sister in law suggested something to me that I really just have to lock into my brain… don’t always ask others, don’t be so quick to defer, take action and demand a place of leadership. Because, as is the common answer, my wife had no desires to do or see anything. Her desire was to sit in the comfy chair, be buried under the blanket, and play on her phone. So… I just went with it. Showed her the movie Anger Management… which, despite vehemently resisting, she actually really enjoyed. It also acted as a nice backdrop to allow us to discuss our own concepts of anger, healthy emotional expression, and the like. At the end of the film, she suggested that she really needed a therapist like Buddy Rydell… someone to just take over her life completely and fix it. As the type of husband I am, I understand what she’s saying… but it is conflicting. I mentioned this to a good noter and it rings true: it is hard to know when to step in, when to stay back, when to listen and when to do. Like… I’ve been listening to how much she hates her job for a long time; so I provided opportunities to help her figure out what she could do instead. But I can’t force her to take a different job and I can’t make her read career counseling books… so, was that a “listen and accept” when I thought it was a “help and provide?”

In completely unrelated news, had an interesting reminder recently about people and communication. I have a tendency to think rather incongruous thoughts from time to time. For instance, I genuinely think people are inherently bastards who only learn how to be kind, loving people. No, I’m not the psycho that thinks babies are evil… but work retail long enough… or better yet, refer to Abraham Lincoln’s quote: “Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.” So- thought one: People are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling- Bob Kelso. Counter Thought: All people are capable of civil discourse, compromise, and understanding. See… that feels very incongruous to me… even if it also makes sense a little. (1) People are bastards that (2) are capable of understanding. And while the key word there should be capable, I’m still often thrown when the desire for understanding is gone. Whether Prosebox, or Facebook, or Kotaku, or really any place people can speak openly and anonymously on-line… there are some people who very clearly feel an issue or insecurity in their own lives, and turn that on others. Not a surprise in the world anymore, but still an issue I think deserving of comment. Completely hypothetical situation for example: Lets say you are looking at pictures of people on-line… men or women, finally the research is admitting that men might have body issues as well… and one such picture is a proud, happy person that is ten to twenty pounds overweight. If you venture the disgusting glance to the comments… the venom and vitriol spewed out over “gay fatty” who “should go kill” themselves and “lay off food stamps”..... yeah, we can pretend that these are just stupid teenagers but even then… this COMES from somewhere. Their own body image issues, consuming their minds and filling them with insecurity, and then they unleash those negative feelings out at others as a way of coping. Or a more true scenario… a friend’s dad had a fairly large heart attack last year when he was home by himself. He’s fine, he’s all good, nothing that couldn’t be fixed. But when his wife asks him to do anything now… ad hominem attacks until she leaves the room. It’s like “Sweety, can you get the good napkins off the China hutch for me?” And the response is, “Cuz your fat ass can’t fit through the door anymore? I’m already comfortable here!” It just… I think I’m going through that Real World Transition people talk about after law school. After three years of intense discussion, reflection, introspection, and being surrounded with thoughtful people… you re-enter the real world and come slamming into the reminder that… the world isn’t like that. There are people in the world who do not discuss or reflect. There are people who simply internalize and/or emote and react. It is something that I knew very well before law school but now it all seems… so different, so nonsensical, in a way- frightening. I don’t mean to criticize anyone; we all live our lives the way we do… it’s just throwing me off my game a little more since I’m unaccustomed to it.

Blah. It is 0331 on the fifth of January… I can’t seem to be able to sleep for a myriad of reasons but… especially if I’m going to try to alert and Bar Exam Studying at 0630, I should give sleep another try.