Just getting it all out in Juggling with Hedgehogs

This entry is probably going to be a mish-mash of the crap in my head, and it might cause confusion, in which case, I apologise, but I’ve reached the conclusion that the best way to deal with all of this shit is to just write it out of me, so that’s what I’m doing.

I’m lucky, in that I have a friend who has been dealing with all of this at the same time and in the same way as me, so we can contact each other, day or night, and just rant. I don’t know what I’d have done if I couldn’t do that. Her boyfriend dumped her about 2 weeks after my husband dropped his bomb, and we went through all the grieving stages together.

And we still are. Which is what this is about.

So first of all, I’m still very happy with Paul, and he with me. This is totally separate from that. But I have to write it all down because if I don’t, I’ll either do or say something stupid or annoying or just plain out of character. I don’t know.

Kate, my friend, sometimes contacts me wailing about her ex. She’s also with someone new. A gorgeous guy who treats her great, and she’s totally in love with him and he with her. So we’re in parallel dealing with all this together in exactly the same way. Despite our lovely men, despite having relationships now that make our previous relationships look like total trash, we are both still grieving.

And this is where it becomes ridiculous. I do not want my ex back. I do not want to go back to that place where I was literally buried alive under mountains of sound equipment and paperwork and circuit boards and computer hardware and SHIT. I do not want to go back to watching him texting other women constantly and calling them all his ‘best friends’. None of that. But what I miss is the friendship we had. The comfortable old pair of slippers. The way he had of just knowing what was going on in my head and knowing exactly what I needed, sometimes even before I did. I’m sure Paul and I will get to that stage eventually - after all, we’ve only been together 6 months - but I miss my old pal. And even when I’m saying that, I don’t want him anywhere near me. I don’t want to see him, talk to him, give him a hug or even punch him. I should hate him for what he did to me, but I can’t even do that.

What I need to be, for my own sanity, is angry with him. And where I’ve gone wrong, which is why I’m having these ridiculous grieving feelings, is I’ve been talking to him - by text. Mostly about the divorce, but during the course of that, other things have cropped up. So there has been ‘chatting’, as in talking about my photography, the cameras I’m using, the photography holiday I’m going on, his weight going down, his band situation, the band he’s just left and why he left it, the people who annoy him in the band (people I know, people who annoyed me when I was dealing with them, so it’s easy to commiserate and empathise etc). That kind of thing. At first, I was quite pleased that we were able to chat like that again, but then I started to get weepy. Inexplicably. So I talked to Kate and she said ‘you told me yourself NO CONTACT. You’re still grieving, you can’t be talking to a dead body’ - and of course, she’s right. I need to make him not exist.

However, this is very hard when he lives just around the corner and my daughter sees him all the time. Every time I see her, she talks to me about him.

I love Paul to bits, he loves me, and all of this is separate to that, but I find myself bringing my ex up in conversations. He’s very patient about it, but I’ve decided (and I’ve told him) I’m not going to talk about the ex any more. I’m not even going to mention his name. He laughed and called him Voldemort, so I have a feeling that’s probably what he will be referred to as, if I should ever slip and break my resolution. I don’t make new year resolutions, but this one is a kind of private one to myself. Not to keep bringing up the ex in conversation - making comparisons and that kind of thing. They’re always favourable to Paul, but that’s not the point. I’m sure it must get tiresome, and he never says anything about it, but it absolutely must.

Grieving is an odd process. People talk about ‘closure’ like it’s something final and defined. But it isn’t. And grieving shouldn’t be rushed. You have to feel your way through all the stages of grief until you reach a point where the person simply doesn’t affect you any more. I’m a long way from being there yet, and I think Paul senses that, which is why we’re taking our relationship slowly.

It’s been a rough ride, and I’ve started 2015 in a much more positive place. But I’m not going to kid myself into thinking that I’m completely fixed. I’m really not. Not by a long way. What happened severely damaged my confidence and my sense of identity. Paul and I were talking about relationships this week, and I had to explain to him that I’m adjusting substantially, because I’ve been a married person since 1981. When my first marriage ended, I was only a divorcee for 3 weeks before I married again. Also, both those relationships went from dating to engaged within weeks. There was no long courtship, no steady build-up to making a decision to get married, they were both very quick in that sense. So I’m not used to taking things slowly and feeling my way along, and being a mostly single person, living alone and doing my own thing, with a boyfriend who lives alone and mostly does his own thing too. It’s a major change of lifestyle for me.

I need to find my anger again towards my ex. That kept me safe. Once I start thinking of him as a person again - and a nice person that I get along well with - it scuppers me emotionally. It just throws me completely sideways, because I go back to that place of ‘I don’t understand what happened’ all over again. I find myself questioning what he did, why he did it, and getting angry all over again that he wasn’t prepared to try to fix things - even though I DON’T WANT TO FIX THINGS and I never want him back. It’s a ridiculous rollercoaster ride my stupid brain takes me on just to torture me. And it has to stop.

For those wondering about the calendar, I’ve stopped looking at it. I found out he was dining with my friends, but they told me his ‘lady friend’ couldn’t attend so that got cancelled. I’ve been told by someone else that he’s now living with her, but I honestly have no way of knowing if that’s true or not. I’m sure my daughter will let me know if she finds out. She’s over at his place tonight for a meal.

Anyway, I just had to write this nonsense out, because it’s been eating away at me. I must stop talking to him about anything other than necessary divorce stuff - which should all be over and done with soon anyway. Time to just get on with being me.

Last updated January 03, 2015