Leveling Out in Inside My Head

I’ve always found it interesting how I can tell strangers over the Internet my deepest feelings, but can’t always do the same around my loved ones.

I had my OBGYN follow up appoinent today. I wasn’t going to mention the depression. I wasn’t sure how to even broach the subject without sounding like a pathetc ungrateful crybaby. The OBGYN asked me a bunch of questions about my overall health and depression was one of the things he asked. I started to cry. He and Mike kind of figured it out after that. He gave me a prescription for Zoloft and gave me a bunch of referrals for psych follow up. He also assured me that it’s very common and not to feel embarrassed or ashamed. It made me feel like not such a terrible person. I think I may have found a psychologist in my area so I’m making an appointment on Monday.

Michael told me in the car on the way home that I’m allowed to be sad and that’s ok if I have these feelings. He offered to listen any time I wanted to talk. I’ll never tell him the depth of how I’ve felt or broach the topic of adoption again because it’ll probably freak him out, but at least he has a little bit of an idea of what I’m going through. His talking about it helped a little I think.

I’m really trying to be a good mom to Sam. I started singing to him while nursing and talking to him while I’m chaging his diaper or clothes. Before putting him down to sleep in his crib I snuggled him to my chest for awhile and hummed. I’m certainly not a contestant for Mother of the Year award, but I’m trying and that has to count for something.