A Little of This, A Little of That in meh...

Feeling like a chump for being at work during the holidays.
I’ve been feeling also like I’m extremely responsible and I don’t want to be right now. I’ve been carrying around a concern for my grandson that I really can’t control. Not because I’ve got my own life, but Iots on my plate. I must rid myself of this I have to do it all complex. Things would be easier if I had a car.

How many times have you said that? “Things will get better once I ::insert flavor of the month here::” or “Once I have ::another insertion here:: I’ll be straight”? Now how many times has that been totally untrue?

I’ve spent my life trying to get things in an order. If I put this in place that will be cool. Sometimes I try to stack my pieces and become impatient because despite popular belief, we don’t have all the time in the world and time doesn’t wait for those standing still. I thought if I got an apartment with less rent I’d be able to save a little money. I’ve only managed to trade off that extra $60 with with paying for gas for heat and stove. I’ve had to juggle and struggle and this was not in the plan. 2014 has seen me in line at a food pantry, robbing Peter to pay Paul, then robbing Paul to buy food.

My body feels old. Even when I lost weight a few summers ago, I still felt old.

I didn’t have to pay for a new badge I did have to shell out $30 for a new pack of tickets for the bus. Friday I have have to go to get a money order for rent. Seems like a long time since I paid rent last. Not really, but there’s been enough going on between time that has me thinking it’s been a long time. Maybe I should be grateful for that feeling. lol

I want to cut loose one last time before I start school. I feel so wound up right now. Having grandson for a length of time, trying to make sure my son has his life, not having had any significant amount of time off work, I’m starting to feel it. That’s that overwhelming sense of being responsible. I need a break. I need selfish time. I need to at least rent a car and just go somewhere. Not worry about anyone or anything. And all the time I’m gone, I’m worried about what all is going wrong. If I tell my kids, my daughter, I’m leaving for a few days, she will call me while I’m gone with some inexplicably horrible problem that will require my attention according to her and I will not hesitate to think of coming to the rescue. Usually I don’t, but she’s a manipulator like that. She my get a hint of me having something, anything that she can gain from, and all of a sudden there’s a crisis. Now days, I just tell her, you’re an adult now sweetie. You need to figure it out. When I have tried to make suggestions on what you need to do with yourself, you see that as me trying to control you, when I’m just trying to guide you.

Wow. Did that ever take a left turn at Albuquerque. lol

Well, I’m going to go back to my chumpism. You all take care, love your families.
Kindest regards of the season,
Sister