massive addiction in 2013-2014

In November, I did 1000 burpees in 31 days, and trimmed inches from all over me. I have undoubtedly grown them back in December, but it’s December winter weight, it’s not out of control, and after burpee #1000 I didn’t want to do a single damn thing at all. I don’t think a month-long goal then a month or so off is such a bad way to maintain this lifestyle. It prevents burnout and injury. And I have pleeenty of dieting and exercising this spring leading up to the wedding. I’m going to enjoy slothfulness and gluttony while I can.

In November, Aaron’s brother lost his job, and they were very worried that they wouldn’t make December’s rent payment for a while.

In November, I found out that my mom was, by some definitions, stealing from me. The money that I thought was going to my car payment and phone wasn’t, at all–she had no intention of reinstating my phone, actually. I took full control of the car payments online and got my own local phone on a monthly plan until Aaron and I can get a contract together when his expires this summer.

In November, we bought wedding rings (on credit, so that’s another (small) bill to manage).

In November, the woman I was replacing at work decided that she wanted her job back, now, leaving her two-month-old baby with a daycare and her husband’s boatloads of money. Everyone was really upset. And I promptly lost a month of income, because there were still four weeks left on my contract. The firm has my contact info and would hire me in a flat second–if she ever quits (again).

In November, I had Thanksgiving dinner, a proper one, with a bunch of Aaron’s friends and siblings. It was wonderful.

In November, I just didn’t want to write and face my life.

*

In December, I only paid the bills that kept a warm roof over my head and watched my savings drain to $50.

In December, I’ve logged so many hours praying and reading my Bible and zooming through the New Testament, and now 3/4 through Isaiah, and it’s kept me afloat.

In December, Aaron quit his crappy electrical construction job and started a new one as a logistics salesman, where he’s on 100% commission and while is doing well, hasn’t quite started raking in the big projects yet. He’s doing UPS delivery assistance as a side gig, but hates that one, too. The delivering isn’t bad, but the driving-through-December-with-the-door-open is rough–and they keep asking him to drive himself out to remote islands and back, without any sort of compensation.

In December, I got a phone call late one evening from a woman at the temp agency whose preferred client needed someone immediately. I had an interview the next morning, and started the job the day after that, in the accounting department of a tax lien and asset agency.

In December, I talked to my dad on the phone and he told me that I was braver than he would be, living like this, and sent me $60, and he told me to just go ahead and get married already, as much as I’m reliant on Aaron right now.

In December, I struggled to arrange something with my more unforgiving student loan and saved myself from delinquency by about 3 days.

In December, my other student loan processed the payment later than I wanted them to, and overdrew my account. I was paid a few hours later, so the bank didn’t ding me. I just got the returned-check fee of $36.

In December, Lena woke me up at 5am Christmas Eve restless and irritated, squatting to pee in inappropriate places and licking her urogenital area, and I didn’t go to work that day because I had to call the closest vets and keep a close eye on her. She’s acting completely normal, just peeing frequently, and sometimes in a trickle. As long as her appetite and energy are fine, and she’s actually urinating adequately and not blocked up, I think she’s just inflamed, and hopefully can hold out a bit longer. I’ve laid out “Lena traps,” glasses of water, because she can’t resist stealing water out of people glasses.

In December, I went to Kara’s on Christmas Eve to watch her kids while she wrapped presents, and cleaned up a bit while she was sick and the family was coming over in the morning. Jack helped me do the dishes and I helped put them to bed, tucking them in like mummies and burritos and giving hugs as requested. It was ridiculously heartwarming. In the morning, we watched the kids open presents and Aaron and I made breakfast. Then we went home and took a nap, and it was wonderful.

In December, one of the engineers I used to work with emailed me about an opening at his sailing buddy’s firm, and with permission, passed on my resume. Two hours later, I had an email from the firm HR asking me to formally apply and to schedule a phone interview. Two days later, I had a phone interview. Five days later, I completed the Microsoft Office assessments and submitted them. Five days after that, I had an in-person interview that lasted for an hour, got me very excited, and the interviewer–the manager for whom I’d be working–tried to sell me on moving to the island so that the commute would be easier. The job would start right around the time that my current contract expires. I have so much hope.

In December, two of my bridesmaids got engaged. Both are planning on a spring wedding–one has already set the venue and date, two months after mine. I have lots of conflicting feelings, but mostly I feel kind of marginalized, even if I’m the maid of honor for one. I’m happy for them, but I can’t find any excitement. Part of it is just emotional exhaustion right now (I sleep, a lot). The rest of me wonders–how will our mutual guests manage two long-distance weddings? How will Aaron and I afford this when we’re trying to pay off our own wedding and honeymoon? How much assistance and attention can I reasonably expect of them when they’re rush-planning their own biggerbettermoreexpensiveshinierlessimpoverished weddings?

Holy crap, why does everything in my life come down to don’t depend on anyone but yourself? How accommodating do I have to be? When do I, can I, say no I can’t manage your showers/dresses/parties/events because I just got married and we’re on a shoe-string budget right now; you’ll understand more in a few months? Am I allowed to say no, we’ve had this massive honeymoon adventure planned since October and we’re not digging out of that budget for your rush wedding? How do I not turn into a self-pitying brat about being outdone and overshown, even when I know it’s not a competition? How do I manage the feelings of the December bridal shower that they were allegedly planning getting dropped in the excitement/obsession of their own weddings?

In December, Aaron’s going to move in, for good, and help pay for rent in January.

In December, as I’m weakly wondering how we’re going to pull any of this off, his grandmother sent us a Christmas gift of $500… on the same day that I picked up a bag of Legos from my parents and realized other stuff was in it. Like the binoculars that we would want for our trip, and two pairs of tough gloves that fit us both, and a bank statement for my old credit union in Florida for $200. Aaron’s friend texted him that his old company with awesome benefits was planning on opening a new position that he would be perfect for, and later that night, his mother explained how to initiate the word of mouth chain that would flood our wedding with homemade and loved family recipes, rather than overpriced dry catering.

*

Everything is everywhere, everything is exploding, and I’m in survival mode, not write-about-it-and-analyze mode. I was faintly hoping that it would all settle down and I would just narrate a sequence of events rather than a bunch of fragments, but I reached a breaking point today, and lowered inhibitions due to my muscle relaxer, and so here we are.

Back to feigning excitement for other people and pretending that everything is fine.