Pretty decent day. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so my day was alright. i didn’t make as much money as I’d hoped but was able to make enough to buy groceries tomorrow and buy my Amazon fire stick as I plan on turning off my cable because I really got my bill and it’s $95!!!! I know taxes change month to month but I just can’t keep shelling out that kind of money. I’m just fucking over it and I honestly don’t watch a lot of tv since I’m always online. I just don’t feel like I watch tv enough to justify what I’m spending. Even when I’m in my bedroom, because I hate commercials, I’m always watching a movie or something on DVD. I hate the thought of not having cable because I’ve ALWAYS had it but the bill to me is just ridiculous.

I had to run over the housing this morning and take them my paystubs and just pray they can adjust it so I don’t have to max out my credit card by having to pay what my check won’t cover. I also got a list of available places and I’m not impressed by any of them. Most of the places are out of my price range, have huge deposits, are in a really bad area or there’s more bills than what I have here. I’m guessing I’m good to stay here as I looked over the paper they sent me and wrote a note saying they already notified housing of the rent change so I’m guessing if I had to leave, I would have been informed of that by now.

I worked 10 am to 7:30 pm this evening. Yes 10.5 hours. It was a long day but not too horrible. i was asked to work New Years Eve and New Years Day 12-8 both days and I probably will depending on what my other job needs from me. I talked to the boss lady and her enthusiasm inspired me. She kept saying how ‘stoked’ she was that I’ve applied there and that asked more than once that I would be at training/orientation on Tuesday. I let my current job know that I won’t be able to be there until about 6pm and they were fine with it.

It’s gonna be great meeting new people, learning new things, and doing something different. I’ve been doing the same thing for so long that I’ve just gotten bored. I normally detest change but after what I’ve been through where I’m at now with the lies, broken promises, and putting up with so much bullshit on the daily, I think it will be good for me to get out of my comfort zone a little bit and explore other things. I’m just so burnt out at my job and just feel like they treat me like a damn slave, almost like I’m stuck there and don’t have choices. I don’t think they fully understand that once I pay off my car, I technically wouldn’t have to work. Especially at that place! I’m just still pissed that they were so mad I left early that one night and her telling me I HAD to come to work the next day!

My bosses are a fucking joke. They are always bitching about how we are so understaffed but don’t take any responsibility for it whatsoever. I also get tired of their narrow minded bullshit that we don’t need raises because we get tips. They fail to see how much we get fucked on tips EVERY SINGLE DAY but just don’t feel like they should have to give us tips.

All I know is that I really hope I love the new job as much as I think I will because I just don’t want to be doing what I’m doing forever or every single day I work ya know? I just have to know there’s other things out there for me where I can make a decent paycheck and be happy. I just can’t keep working so hard at being a good employee for a place that acts like I’m stuck there. I’m tired of how the place is ran, working with people who are lazy/rude/immature and putting up with some of the rudest fucking people on the planet. I am just so fucking ready for a break from that place. I’m hoping that once I get comfortable with the new job that I can cut down to like one or two days where I’m at. I don’t want my current job to be top priority anymore.

So I guess my Mom text my brother tonight and said something about how we don’t have anything to do with her because when we did she was always asking for money and she knows we hate her but wants us to know that she still loves us. I personally felt pretty annoyed by this as he read me the text between her and him and she was still being a complete bitch, very defensive and not apologetic whatsoever. I just don’t think my Mom or Dad have any kind of a conscious at all. They just don’t feel like they do anything wrong and if they do admit fault, they are either trying to make you feel sorry for them or are really mean. I just feel like until my Mom, Dad, and little brother all become productive members of society where they are either working, going to school, or in some kind of program/class/group thing, I can’t have them in my life anymore because all they want to do is drag everyone down with them. Whether it’s emotionally, mentally, or financially, they aren’t happy unless they know you’ve had a bad day because of their problems.

My parents are very similar to my ex John. They aren’t happy unless there’s some form of drama or crisis going on. They like it when things are fucked up and crazy because it gives them something to talk about. I honestly believe when my little brother acts up, they like that there’s something going on even if it’s negative. They take no account whatsoever for him being the way he is but like to have something negative to thrive off of. I was also thinking back on how my Mom was at her job that she was the most happy when she was having drama with her boss. I remember her coming home from work being so “tired” that she couldn’t interact with us but would spend hours on the phone with her co-workers badmouthing the boss. I honestly believe my Mom is a very crazy, bi-polar, evil bitch that isn’t happy unless she has drama and is trying to turn people against others.

I used to think my Mom was a really good person with an amazing heart but over the past few years, my opinion has changed significantly. I know what kind of person she is and that’s why I wasn’t into the idea of her getting a job where I work because I know how the fuck that would end up. She’s just not happy unless she’s talking shit about people and trying to single someone out. I’ve watched her do it my whole life, even with my siblings and I. She loved it when we would fight and she would do what she could to even make it worse! I will never forget how when my older brother and I would be pissed at each other and she would just add more fuel to the fire and how angry I would become. I would get almost enraged and want to physically hurt her! I know that sounds terrible but I just thank God that I don’t have to deal with it anymore.

I just get mad that instead of being apologetic and showing compassion when she text my brother, she was the same defensive person she’s always been. She doesn’t get that it’s not just the past shit that keeps us away, it’s her shitty fucking attitude she has towards how she’s treated us!!!!

All I know is that I finally have a good, stable head on my shoulders where I can honestly say I am happy with where my life is going and enjoy being in college and that I have very minimal drama in my life so I’m not going to be too welcoming with them, especially when she shows no real, genuine concern or love for us. I honestly think the reason why she sent him that text is because she’s bored being stuck with my Dad and little brother and would like a social outlet outside of her house. It’s just not fair to US for her to not put any real effort in being a part of our lives all this time and then when we did have contact with her, she was always begging for money.

I refuse to let myself get sucked back down into her twisted guilt games. I don’t feel any guilt at all about not giving out money anymore. They did nothing but USE the fuck out of me in an already bad situation where I was already getting fucked in the ass and I don’t know if I’ll ever completely forgive that. I just feel that it’s better for me to keep my distance because that’s the only way I can be sure that I won’t be torn down in any way, shape, or form by them or their problems. I’m sorry that they aren’t in a good place but it’s up to them as parents, as adults, and as human beings to fix it. It’s really not as hard as they think it is and I can’t feel sorry for them anymore. They’ve sucked the last bit of ‘feel sorry for them’ out of me.

My niece is spending the night. It’s after 11 pm and she’s finally almost asleep. I’m just exhausted so once I know she’s sleeping, I’m going to crash myself. She decided she wanted to sleep in my bed so I’m hitting the couch. I just can’t sleep in my bed with her because even though she’s almost 4 and not very big, she takes up a lot of room. I’m okay with sleeping on the couch because my favorite blankets are out here in the living rooom.

Oh! Another thing happened today. I’ve ordered a shit ton of stuff from a place that sent me a catalog awhile back. I’ve spent the $500 credit line I received in the past couple of weeks and I called today to ask where something was because I hadn’t gotten in yet and the guy I talked to was like, “so you enjoy spoiling yourself” and I was like, “that’s a rude question don’t you think” and he quickly apologized but holy shit! How do you get away with talking to customers like that?!? It’s none of your fucking business what I’m doing with the shit I’m ordering! Right before he asked that question, he asked if the thing I was ordering or had ordered was for me or if it was a gift and right away I got on the defense. I will do whatever the fuck I want with stuff I will be responsible paying for so asking questions like that will give you a rude response dude! This happened hours ago and I’m still in shock that this person would be so rude like that!!!!! I told him if I talked to customers like that at my job, I wouldn’t have a job anymore and I could tell he was embarrassed. Don’t people think before they speak?!?!?!?!?!?!? It’s absolutely shocking the shit people get away with nowadays, time has definitely changed!!!!!

So I’m gonna find a movie and go to bed. More tomorrow.