merry fucking christmas in Riverdale

Ok so my christmas wasnt that bad really. it was pretty normal. no big fights or anything. it was laid back relaxed and brief. briefer than i thought it would be.

kind of bugged me how brief it was but in the end it was not like it was this really really awkward brief

mostly my moms idea. she kept really fighting with her bf . hes quite a pain in the ass sometimes but so is my mom in a way. like my mom wasnt explicitly a pain in the ass but i mean she was just so busy bossing people around a bit and washing the dishes and cooking and doing everything and didnt seem to want to relax or really talk with anyone including her own brother really. and wont ask for help than u do help her and she just ends up taking completely over anyways. and her boyfriend annoyingly was attached to her hip and didnt even really want to talk to my uncle which i thought he got along with. i wouldve liked to talk and be with my mom more but he was always around than i tried to talked to my uncle who i hadnt seen in a year and there he was in the way trying to dominate the conversation. i think as polite as my uncle is he was quite irked by him too for just butting in but because hes not really around much he didnt really react or say anything. everyone seemed attracted to talking to me though which was kind of overwhelming and so much pressure on me. it was just kind of weird because people just avoided talking to eachother. it was very stilted and weird like no one really had any good social skills or seemed genuinely interested in what other people had to say. very surface very shallow with not even much faking going on. which i suppose is supposed to be a good thing. but it made me kind of close up too and not want to engage with people really.

so it was pretty uneventful and quick kind of depressing actually for some reason. i guess i just feel so disconnected to my family that was there in alot of ways. coldness and indifference sort of just going through the motions no real intimacy or emotion really. just lulll. it was kind of weird being at my brothers house too without him even there.. i felt like an intruder really. even though hes been an intruder all my life. it felt kind of weird. wouldve been better i think if it was somewhere more neutral but there wasnt much space anywhere else.

all in all it was ok. i didnt expect much really. good food everyone basically got along except my mother and her bf and her bf and his mother. i guess its expected since they are all crammed up in that two bedroom apartment together and his mother is quite a talker and touchy feely and just so expressive just like him. kind of off putting but she was ok.

i though about my dad a bit and it made me cry. emotionally i am sad about not receving a gift from him and seeing him but intellectually i just know its not safe for me physically emotionally or mentally to be around him. i can love and remeber the parts of him that were good without engaging in the mind fuckery he puts me through. me going back to him and talking to him like before just seems like giving up and going back to denial and pretending he never fucked my life up and abused and neglected me. i just dont really feel THAT bonded to my father and never did. i guess thats why i feel so much tension with men lately too around this time. i am looking for a replacement or something. but i just dont feel compelled to put up with the guys that i am talking tos bullshit. they are just so full of themselves arrogant selfish and immature. i dont feel loved needed wanted or desired in a real intimate deep natural way. it just all feels so rushed and forced and they seem to think that i am obligated to take their bullshit and their obvious lack of social skills and emotional abuse and manipulation. for what? they arent paying my bills they arent holding me down. emotionally they are not there for me. they hardly listen to a word i say. sex isnt everything. i want more than just sex. i love sex and i want to have sex but the way they are going for it is in this manipulative way trying to bond with me trying to act all sweet and caring and like they like me that way. and maybe they do but it just comes off as cheesy contrived and manipulative. i am not a stupid desperate girl who needs validation from just any guy who shows me attention. i have high standards for someone new comming into my life and possibly fucking it up. i also need chemistry which has been severely lacking in most of the guys. so i find it hard to pretend or suck it up or just take a guy just to have one. yes it sucks and its lonely but i feel even more lonely and hurt by a guy that i am not interested in really just comming into my life prying into my personal life trying to get into my place and my heart and my body for pleasure and cheap thrills because their soul is so empty and their heart is so cold bitter and black and they have no real respect or love or understanding of women as a human being with needs that may be different than their own. it is not my job to teach a man how to treat me. it is his job to know and try and be kind sensitive and patient with me. ESPECIALLY me with all that i have gone through. if they cannot do that than its best they leave because i dont have the time or energy to put up with someone who is not willing to do that to be with me. it shows me that they do not truely care about the relationship or me enough to do that. they just want one thing sex and companionship and i am way too deep mostly to just be like oh ok come into my life. especially because u can never truely know a man and if hes dangerous angry a rapist a thief really even if you get to know them quite well. i like to keep myself as safe as i can and not just let any old random come into my life and mess up my already fucked up life.

i feel a bit depressed. my job interview went badly i guess and i didnt get the damn job i needed so badly. i know everything happens for a reason though. so despite being depressed i know that its probably better than being overly stressed right now wit h the holidays and all that especially since i am sick with a cold and its not really a good idea to start a job serving and making food so tired depleated and infectious. i mean i cant imagine if i got the job and found out i had to start really really soon and i am all sick like i am and cant go in or get there and am completely overwhelmed. the interviewer seemed quite like the snobbish prick anyways and very hands off and arrogant. french what can u say?

so i cant imagine that the job wouldve been that supportive or easy to learn and do at first really. so i know deep down it wasnt meant to be and there is something possibly bigger and better out there for me that suits who i am and what i need and what i can do better.

maybe this social work and community kitchen stuff is just in the past and i should switch paths or something i am not sure.

i just feel like the social work field is so hardened and contrived and just doesnt feel that genuine really in the end. i am sure there is alot of great people out there that genuinely love their job and the people in it and can empathsize or have that natural ability with people but most of the social workers and charities i envounter are just so fake burnt out and so by the book its hard to have much faith in accessing the support for myself personally never mind getting into it professionallly. its all very business like and numbers oreintaed it seems with little support or compassion for the people they are serving but rather feeling like you are a burden or a bad person or ungreatful or not as smart hardworking talented or deserving than them. which in the end i know is not true and i laugh secretly inside at all of those who believe that mostly.

so i dont know what my path is to be right now i just want to relax heal reflect and try to look forward and figure out what my next steps are to be in my life. how do i want my life how can i try to achieve those things and do the things that make me happy and just distract from it as well and just try to have fun and maintain my energy i guess. i am pretty worried about having all this downtime really.....

Last updated December 26, 2014