Listening in 2014

Amber says I’m bad at listening. I don’t remember the vast majority of what she tells me. I don’t remember names or places or things she’s said. I confess it, and, to that end, I’ve been working on my listening still and memory skills. There are a lot of skills I’ve been working on due to her near constant criticism. However, none of it seems to be reciprocal. She won’t listen to me.
Yesterday, I she didn’t show up for D&D (Pathfinder, technically). She didn’t call, didn’t text, didn’t facebook, didn’t skype, didn’t anything. At 2:27 (game was supposed to start at 11) as I was shoving food down my throat preparing for work, I get a call and told her I couldn’t talk to her. She got off something of an apology, but I was furious (she said she’d been at a party) and I honestly couldn’t talk. She tried to bring it up at work, but we were in the middle of things, and, when things slowed down, there was another person there. She took off immediately after work and we didn’t talk. Today, I tried to give her the present I’d gotten her. It was a piece of work.
I got her a glass unicorn on a mirror pedestal that plays “The Impossible Dream” from Man of LaMancha.
She loves glass unicorns and has collected them for ages. Her mom, in a fit of pique during the divorce “dropped” her box. Her collection was shattered instantly. I knew that she hadn’t added to it since. The song was a favorite of one of her teachers who helped her to get into her graduate program. She loved it at first. Then we started talking. Big mistake.
I told her that I was hurt by the day before. She maintains that it wasn’t her fault and that I shouldn’t be upset and I was unreasonable for being upset. She forgot her phone (left it in her car) and forgot my number. I told her that she hadn’t returned one of my calls in nearly a week and hadn’t answered a text in 5 days. She said it was because she was busy, but she was texting all day at work. Moreover, she also told me that she didn’t talk to me on the phone because I’d drag her into long conversations she didn’t have time for. I went through phone logs, and in the last month, we’ve had one conversation lasting more than thirty minutes, and one lasting over fifteen. She ignored the point. We had a big fight and she says that I don’t actually like her and wouldn’t accept the gift until I decide for certain that I do like her. Then she left in a huff.
I tried to stand up for myself today because I am growing increasingly tired of being her doormat. I’m tired of saying that everything is all my fault. I’m tired of being the one who always changes and who always takes the blame for everything. I was calm, reasoned, and polite. I never insulted her or raised my voice. I tried to calmly explain what I felt. I was met with a raised voice, anger, and attacks. When I pointed out that her attack was invalid, she didn’t even respond, she just changed the subject. I had the phone and text records to prove it, but it meant nothing. That’s the trouble, though. Nothing means anything She’s always got to be right.
In a relationship, she person who cares less has all the power. It’s pretty obvious who that is. I was hoping against hope that maybe, somehow, standing up for myself would accomplish something. I was wrong. She’s got me every way. Whenever I bring anything up, I’m dramatic. When I don’t, and it irks me and she find out, I’m a jerk. If I treat her well, it’s too much. If I treat her like everybody else, I’m a mean. When I do anything, it’s wrong. There is no right answer. She doesn’t see this. She doesn’t see much of anything. I’m doubting increasingly that she ever will.
I really don’t believe that everything’s my fault. I’m working hard on the various complaints that she’s leveled against me. At the start, at least, many were quite valid. I’m kind of thankful to have gotten the advice and criticism. What’s not okay is the impact that it’s having on me now and the way that she treats me in general. I went nearly mute for nearly two weeks, terrified to talk to anyone, because she tells me so often how terrible I am to talk to and how bad my social skills are.
So, what to do?
She thinks I don’t like her. That’s far from the truth. I like her. I like her a lot. I know that the diary and my (un)willing listeners only hear the bad about her, but she’s really an amazing girl. What I don’t like is how she treats me. I don’t like that she treats me differently than other people, but won’t let me be something different from them. I don’t like that everything’s my fault. I don’t like that her criticisms must always be accepted. She’s acting like I’m a monster, but, in reality, I’m working hard to make and keep her happy. I found her a perfect Christmas present. I’m building memory skills. I’m building listening skills. I’m learning how to generate (real or fake) empathy. I’m building on empathy. I’m trying not to step on any of her buried land mines while simultaneously trying to have the deep, reaching, conversations that she DEMANDS of a suitor.
I thought it was sadly amusing that she would keep interrupting me to say that I don’t listen and ignoring what I said to tell me that I don’t care what others tell me. In other circumstances, I would have laughed it was so absurd. She’s totally lacking in self awareness where I’m concerned. Probably in other places as well. What’s so frustrating about all of this is that if she’d spend five minutes trying to think what I think and to feel what I feel, I think we’d be able to make this work. I really do. I think that she and I could be amazing. The trouble is, I don’t know if we can get to that point.
At the start, the problems, most of them anyway, WERE on my end. And, in the past, most of the problems WERE on my end. But if she can’t accept that I’ve changed for the better, and that I’m changing for the better, then there’s nothing to be done.
But I don’t want that.
I want the amazing girl who works two jobs to pursue her dream. I want the girl who smiles and dances whenever she feels like it. I want the girl who sings like an angel when nobody’s listening. I want the reader. I want the writer. I want the lover of people. I want the girl who’d do anything for her friends, who’s driving ages to go visit somebody she wants to stay close to just because. I want the girl who still dreams. Who hopes. Who moves forward. I want the beer drinker. I want the tree climber. I want the girl I showed Yuri Yamaguchi and Mizuki Mizuki to. I want the girl who’ll listen to hours to somebody in need.
But I think that maybe I’m the only one in the world who can’t have any part of her.