Work, interview, glad it's almost the weekend. in Since OD is shutting down....

I did the book buy back and got back some money so I can buy gifts for my niece. I also made my car payment yesterday so I don’t have to worry about it for the rest of the week. Last night I was at work until almost midnight and was super tired. I came home and made boneless chicken breast with cauliflower and cheese. I didn’t get to bed until after 1am and got up about 11 or so. I am going to enjoy this sleeping in business, for as long as it lasts that is.

My interview went well and I’m pretty sure I’ll get it, provided my references are good and I pass the background check which I know I will. I’m pretty excited and hope that I get it. She said I would get trained before my first shift and they won’t be able to train me until after Christmas because we are cutting it to close to the holiday. I think it would be an awesome job because all you do is go to the elder people’s homes and help them with light housekeeping, laundry, and sometimes just sit down and talk with them. I just feel like that’s something that would be perfect for me and they need day time people which is absolutely perfect for me. I even asked if I can work like 11-3 once school started back up and she said that would be great!

I have plans to hang out with a friend tomorrow night after work. We are going to get wine, eat junk food, and watch movies at my house. I’m so glad that me and this girl have reconnected because she’s not needy, not dramatic, we hang out once a week and that’s enough for both of us. We will text a little during the week and finalize our plans for the night we hang out and it’s such a fun/easy friendship. I wished I would have never stopped talking to her but again, I’ve made my mistakes. She’s a good person and her boyfriend is a bit similar to my ex so we have common ground.

So as far as me buying my ex something for Christmas or putting music on a flashdrive for him like I had planned on, I’m not going to do anything. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I just can’t reach out to him that way because then it just lets him know that I’m still vulnerable to him and willing to let him back into to hurt me and play games with my heart and I just can’t do that shit again. I told my brother that I was thinking about sending gifts to his house and my brother was like, “isn’t that the man’s job” and it really made me think. It IS the man’s job and I need to back the fuck off. By doing that shit, I would just be letting him know that I’m still hooked on him and it’s okay for him to come back into my life and do all the same things he did before. I just can’t go down that same dead end road anymore.

I understand the only way there’s any chance for us to have a relationship of any kind is to leave it alone and see if he tries to contact me. If he doesn’t, that’s okay because I’m gonna be okay no matter what. If he does, I’d like to sit down and talk without interruptions and see exactly what it is he thinks he wants. I know that I would be open to maybe seeing if we could have something real this time around but there’s no way I’m gonna go back to him not being around, being a complete asshole, not letting me be a part of his life or him only coming around to get his dick wet. Unless he wants to try and get back together, I’m just not fucking about it. I’m not going to hear about how we need to just be friends, get to know each other and not rush into anything like before when it’s impossible to just stop loving someone. I tried and it about killed me. I can’t help loving him in that way and if he was a part of my life again, I can see myself falling back in love.

Until he gets in touch with me, I am going to leave it alone. I’m always going to have love for this man but I refuse to find myself going through the same emotional torture that I endured before. I stay open to thinking maybe he’s changed and would like to try to be in a real relationship with me and all that but until he shows me that, I have to just let it be. It’s just crazy thinking all these months that I was still hurting over him I was actually healing and growing as a person. I know for so long I was hoping to run into him and have him approach me like he did but now that he has, it makes me realize that as much as I hurt then, I’m finally growing in a good way. I let this person abuse me, lie to me, use me and treat me like I was nothing and now, until he shows me he wouldn’t do those things, I want him to just leave me alone.

I have to leave for work in a few minutes. I’m hoping it’s a good night and I can leave at a decent hour considering I have to be back in the morning at 10. I put some new songs on my flash drive and one of them is ‘trying to love me’ by Jason Aldean and I’m going to listen to it on my way to work and think about my ex. I also agree with my friend when she said that he’s just lonely. I’m sure he’s has girlfriends since me that he treated the same way. Pushed them away. And now probably wants me to come back around so he has someone he can play games with again. Nope.

Anyways, time for work.