Feeling better. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I think yesterday’s meltdown was due to being tired. I was just exhausted and anytime something happens that is already emotionally difficult to deal with, it seems 10x worse from not being rested enough. I am so angry at myself for crying over someone that shouldn’t matter anymore. He hasn’t been a part of my life for several months and yet, I’m still giving him more attention than I should be. Seriously, he shouldn’t be more than a passing thought at this point.

I went to bed last night thinking about him and woke up this morning thinking about him. Last night I think he had pulled up outside my house but I couldn’t tell for sure if it was his truck or not. I still think it was him but he had second thoughts and left because by the time I changed and looked out again, the vehicle was gone. I don’t know if it was him or not but it looked like it could have been him. It made me super depressed and I started crying all over again so I decided to down a vic, ibuprofen and a melatonin. I knew that if I wouldn’t have taken them, I wouldn’t have gotten any sleep because I had taken a couple of naps late afternoon and I was so emotional/wired that I was going to need help falling asleep.

Moment of truth is this. I know that he’s never going to change and I don’t plan to let him back into my life as it would just be the same shit all over again. He doesn’t want a relationship and I’m not going back to being someone who takes his emotional abuse and being a fuck buddy with someone I felt so strongly about because then I will get hurt all over again. He doesn’t have the right intentions and he’s just too in love with hurting someone to ever love them and be good to them. I don’t see things being what I want them to be. I’m not in my own head with this shit anymore. I take it for what it is and it’s just a mindfuck that I left behind months ago and I refuse to let myself fall back into his bullshit. All he wants is a fuck buddy. He doesn’t want what I want and I’m not going to waste my time again.

I miss him. I miss what we had in the beginning. I miss being so excited to see him, hold him, make love to him. I really loved this person and probably always will but I can’t allow him to take over my heart again. I just can’t. I’m not willing to find myself in the place I was before. I had never wanted to die so badly and I don’t want to feel that again. I remember just being high on whatever pills I could find and spending the whole day in my bed for days because of him while he was living his life and not caring what he had done.

Anyways, running to Walmart.