A little bit better outlook. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so I’ve taken a couple of naps on the couch and now that I feel more rested, I’m thinking with a clear mind. I’m still trying to make sense of my conversation with him earlier and glad that I said the things I did and didn’t show any love whatsoever. I wasn’t mean, I wasn’t over-friendly and only made eye contact once. I’m glad that he was there to see me with my niece and knows that I’ve been at the same job for over a year. I’m glad that he knows I’m doing just fine without him. I’ve been wanting that for so long and it feels good that my heart isn’t focused on him or the pain he caused me anymore.

I know that I still love him and there’s no way I could ever cause him pain and sorrow like he did to me but that doesn’t mean I’m going to put myself out there for him to do it to me once again either. I wanted so badly to text him but I didn’t simply because I don’t want to find myself in that place where I used to be with him. That place where I was just this love-crazed fool that just put up with the way he treated me convinced that if I stuck it out long enough, that he would put his wall down and let me in. I truly believed we could have had something real and we could have been that couple everyone else dreamed of being, like he said he wanted in the beginning.

It’s almost annoying and frustrating that I’m still not over him. We broke up about a year an half ago but we had sexual contacts here and there for like 4 months after the break up and that’s why things got so hard for me. I just couldn’t let it go. I know that there’s always going to be a part of me that will love him but he proved for months that he never had time for me and had little to no regard for my feelings whatsoever and actually went out of his way to hurt me. I honestly believe that he hurt me because it made him feel better about his ex hurting him. He broke me to try and fix himself. I know it didn’t work but it still gave him joy knowing how much pain he brought into my life.

I’m very angry at myself for allowing him to stay in my life and treat me the way he did and that’s why I’m not going to text him. I’m not going to let the same toxic cycle happen again. He’s always waited for me to make the move to reach out to him and that’s bullshit. I know he misses talking to me but I know there’s no feelings in it anymore and I’m not interested in being just friends. We tried that and it mentally destroyed me and there’s no way I’m gonna go back down that dead end road. He can say how we started out too fast and we should just get to know each other but at the end of the day, he just wants a vagina to stick his dick in and I’m not going to let myself participate in sexual encounters where there’s no love behind it.

This guy broke me. This guy told me what I wanted to hear for months when he knew he didn’t have any real intention of being with me. Damn, he couldn’t even spend time with me for more than a couple of hours a week so I’m just not willing to find myself in the same spot with him where I’ve been before. I’m finally doing okay and I’m not going to let him, my parents, or anyone else compromise that for me. I just can’t. It took me a long time to regain some self confidence and get myself where I wanted to be and I’m not going to let anyone into my life that’s just going to have a negative affect on what I’ve built for myself.

I’m in a better place now and I’m a different person. Whether I still love him or not, I have to be strong enough to leave him alone until he reaches out to me and even if he does, I don’t see it ending up with us getting back together so this time I would definitely have my guard up and even if I let my wall down, I would always wonder when he would stop loving me again. I’m absolutely terrified of that happening again, in fact I’m so terrified that I don’t try and find a boyfriend anymore.

My ex. I’m always going to love him but until he proves himself, I have to leave him alone and let it be. This guy has done so much to me that I will never be the same person. Before I met him, I never knew a man could be so cold. I didn’t ever worry about being with someone that would eventually stop loving or caring for me and now, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than risk that happening again. My ex was never mine. I never had his heart. I never meant anything to him. I was just a girl that he could spend time with when he didn’t have his son and he didn’t want to hang out with his parents. I was someone that he could be as mean as he wanted to be to that just took it because I wanted so badly for him to just love me back.

It also still hurts how he would NEVER spend any time with me. He didn’t come around any more than what he felt was necessary. I longed for the day where he would call and tell me he was going to spend the whole day with me. That day never came.

I can’t write any more tonight.