Emotionally drained, nap time. in Since OD is shutting down....

Just a quick entry before I lay down and nap. I want to start out with saying that what happened this morning is completely and utterly my fault and I blame myself entirely. I took my niece to get donuts and my ex was there. I knew he would more than likely be there but she had been bugging for donuts since last night and didn’t plan to actually take her to get some until she brought it up again this morning and I even asked her if she wanted to get them from Walmart or if she wanted to go to the donut shop and she chose the donut shop. So I showered, got her ready and we went. We weren’t there 2 minutes when he saw me before I saw him and came over and started talking to me. He asked if I was still working at the same place and I told him yeah and that I was a manager now and he made a joke out of it like he would have normally done. Then he told me he missed talking to me and I said, “well yeah but you kinda blew it” and he said, “I know, I think about it everyday” and then asked what he could do and I said, “make more effort” and said it with kind of a tone since it’s stating the obvious as well as the fact that I said that exact same thing a million times when we were together. He told me to have happy holidays before he walked away and I finally made eye contact with him which made my knees weak. He wanted my number but could tel that wasn’t happening but then said he had the same number and for me to text him. Well, I haven’t as of this moment and don’t plan to.

I’ve always been the one to reach out to him and just feel that it’s his fucking turn. I feel like maybe this whole thing could take a different course if he were to reach out to me. I miss him like crazy and I’ve been crying since my niece went home with her Dad because I still want him. I want him to know me now that I have my shit together and I’m in a better place. I still have feelings for him.

I’m exhausted from being up until midnight, getting up early and I’ve been crying for hours so I’m gonna go nap. I have looked out the window several times hoping to see his truck pull up outside but it hasn’t, it probably won’t. I just don’t know how to completely let go of this person. I understand why his heart was so cold and why he had a wall up. He put me through so much shit but I still love him. I still can’t imagine myself with anyone else.

Nap time. I’m considering getting him a gift for Christmas and having it sent to his house. Not sure if I will yet or not. I’m wondering if he’s going to make the effort or nah. FUCK. This is absolutely miserable. I know that I’m okay but he’s still just as beautiful as he was the day I met him. God, please tel me what do. I have cried more tears over this person than anything else my whole life.