Spoke Too Soon in Magical Realism

Went to doctor yesterday, they are still waiting to review one part of the pathology from the surgery but it’s looking like I will need 6 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week, starting ASAP. But don’t worry, I would get weekends off from treatment and I can schedule the hour of treatment anytime between 8 and 5. Oh goody, so flexible.

I may be too tired to work, won’t be able to travel, would have to cancel my China trip and arrange coverage for all my work trips. I may lose my eyebrows. Eyebrows! In return this reduces chance of it traveling right now, in exchange for 6 weeks of my life, scarring/redness, and increased chance of cancer from the radiation later in life. (So cancer soon v cancer later? IDK.) There is no good choice.

I almost cried right there in the office but instead I took the subway home, lugged my suitcase downstairs, got in a cab and flew to Moscow as scheduled. Took train into city, showered and set my blow dryer ON FIRE. Got dressed, went to lunch and sightseeing in Red Square with friends, went to sleep at 6pm local time. Slept well for 2 hours and have been awake with racing pulse and uncontrollable thoughts for past 6 hours.

I have to get up in an hour. I need to shower, make myself presentable, do work, and repack. After that I will probably see the person I have been silently obsessing over for the past 4 months, maybe even at breakfast. So freaked out to know he is in this very same hotel after being 8000 miles away for so long. Last week I told him not to speak to me anymore and pretty much torched any bridges there, but now regret it. If only for the extreme awkwardness I am about to experience when I do see him. Why am I such a complete and utter maniac?

I am freaked out about all the events, the constant photos, and being around people constantly. I am freaked out about the cold. I am freaked out about all the work work I still need to do. I am freaked out about my swimming. I wonder if I am going to fail the medical.

Most of all, I miss my dad. It’s like a part of me, the confident, brave part, is gone with him. Which leaves this panicky, useless shell of a human being.