Deep in 2014

Things are still going around here. I feel like I need to write a big entry about how I’ve been feeling lately.

I’ve come to a few realizations… which maybe I should have come to a while ago but I didn’t. I have realized that Chris and I have some very fundamental differences… I mean, I realized that before, but I guess NOW I realize thats ok…

Its ok for him to think what he thinks, and believe what he believes… Who am I to judge that? AND who am I to want to CHANGE that?? I don’t want to change, why would I expect him to? There are many different types of people in this world and I’m starting to think there are fewer like me, but who knows. Its ok that he thinks that money is everything. Its not like that for me, but it is for him. And thats fine. I’ve accepted it, finally. Will we make it through this? Doubtful, but oh well. I hope nothing more than pure happiness for him and maybe he will find a woman that will be just as obsessed with money and THINGS as much as he is.

Me on the other hand? Sort of a … free, non linear thinking, self employed, somewhat artist… I have a different view on life. The things I value cannot be bought. I value TIME. My kids. Memories. I’m sure he does value these things, of course. But thats not all for him. All the bills could be paid and he would still want to make more and more money. OK-don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that either… but I feel like his kids are just drifting from him. Its hard to watch.

I have changed. I used to live in fear. Fear of everything, fear of being alone, fear of driving, fear of doing something different, scared of how I would look wearing this or doing that. Since my heath scare a few years back (I’m sure you ODers remember I had bad cells on my cervix) I decided to try my best to just live. I had another kid. I started letting go a bit more of the control that I thought I had. I was OCD for a while, and I’ve almost COMPLETELY shut that off. I still have a lot of anxiety but its not nearly as bad as it was. I used to have to always be in contact with Chris. I was always so super scared for me or the kids to catch a cold or the flu, to the point of not doing anything.

This has all changed. My kids are always catching things and so am I and whatever, I just deal with it as it comes. I spent a lot of time thinking and worrying about every little thing that I forgot to live. I still worry a bit but mostly I just live in the moment now. I figured out that when my mom said “You really need to stop worrying about things, worry wont change anything”… she was right. All my worrying did, was steal from my happiness, and steal my life. If I could go back…

Anyway, long story short, I - despite what I’ve written here- am the happiest I’ve ever been, as a PERSON. In my marriage? Not so much lol. But I assume, with time, this will all work itself out. As I morph and change as I have been, my life will too, with or without him.

Kristen <3