Kickboxing, work, missed my test. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got up at the usual time, did my usual morning stuff and then decided to go back to bed instead of going to take my test. I’m just so fucking over Anatomy and getting to the point where I can’t even bring myself to go at this point. I know that Monday is probably our last class and I’m going to try and stick it out and then make up the test I missed this morning but today I just wasn’t into it. I know I’m going to fail so it’s hard for me to want to waste the gas and time to deal with it anymore. I know that’s a shitty way to look at things but I gave up on this class a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder if I should change my degree or not. I rock at Med Term though. I’m just going to be so fucking glad when school lets out so I can get a fucking break.

Kickboxing is a good time. It’s an amazing workout and I started doing it at home last night. I watch videos on Youtube and love how great of a workout it is. I’m going to start working out everyday, even if it’s only for 30 minutes and I do it at home. I’m still doing Zumba Tuesday and Thursday every week but need to be doing something on the other days. I love being at the gym but don’t always have the motivation to actually go there everyday and there’s not much for me to do that I can handle until I lose a good chunk of weight. i tried walking on the treadmill and it killed my left foot and my lower back. I’m feeling pretty good about things and it’s helping drinking lots of water and watching my carb intake. I really wish I would have started doing this shit a long time ago.

I have to leave for work in like 2 an half hours. I’m just beyond over that place. I’d rather pull my toenails out with a pair of pliers then be there tonight but I need the money. I have to work with that bitch that doesn’t like me so that’s another reason I’d rather not be there. I wish I could just take Mondays off and work Friday to make up for it but that’s my day with my niece so I just have to deal with this shit every fucking week. I’m just going to deal with it and keep in mind that I don’t have to be there too much longer.

As far as my rent going up, I called my caseworker and she said I need to get something from my boss saying I’m not going to be managing. I text her and she said she will have something for me tonight. It gave me kind of a bad feeling because she responded so quickly but fuck it, I get fired then I do. I’m tired of worrying about holding on to such a shit job anyway. There’s plenty of other places I can work so I’m not going to let myself stress over it. I’m just so burnt out on not being appreciated and them not understanding that they don’t pay us enough. I’m sick of constantly being stressed out over money because I’m not making shit.

I have to leave in a couple of hours. Homework is done and so is my workout. I’m just ready to get my night over with. I’m only scheduled like 4 hours and for a Monday night, that’s plenty.

I keep thinking about my friend and what she’s going through with her husband. I remembering how shocked and annoyed I was when they got married and I just knew it wasn’t going to work. Some people think that by signing your life away that it’s just going to magically make a relationship work but you can’t turn rocks into diamonds. If it doesn’t work before you get married, it’s not going to work once you decided to make it legal either. I know how much she loved this guy but it’s like as much as she wanted it to work, the more evil he became. I can relate completely. I’ve learned that if you are the only one wanting it to work and putting in the effort, it’s already over. Once they stop trying, it’s over.

There’s just sooooooooooooooooo much fucking work that goes into a relationship and I’m glad I don’t have one at the moment. I know that someone will come along eventually but at this point, I know that I don’t have the patience or tolerance for games, selfishness, dishonesty, or someone who isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship so if someone comes along and proves to be just as much of a shithead as the other ones, they will be out the door very quick. I am never going to give someone a thousand chances like I’ve done in the past. I’ve wasted a lot of time on the wrong people and it just ended up with me hurt and wishing I would have listened to my gut instinct right away instead of waiting until they’ve completely hurt me.

My biggest mistake has always been letting people stick around a lot longer then what they deserved. I just don’t do that anymore. I know that if I didn’t have a job and shit they would probably still get more chances like before but now, I’ve just accepted that this is my life and I’m not going to keep trying with people that have proven the outcome is going to be the same as all the other times. If it didn’t work the first time, it’s not going to work the 10th time either. I just wish that I would have always been in a good place emotionally and socially to not give people so many chances.

Ugh, I’m so ready to get my ass to work and get it over with. I just want to come home and chill. I’m in a pretty good mood which means I’ll probably be pretty pissed off by the time I get home cuz that’s usually how it goes.

I haven’t spoke to my parents in awhile. I’ve actually blocked my Mom’s cell phone number since my little brother was using it to text and be evil. I’m not sure what they are doing and don’t really care. I’m not interested in having anything to do with them and could care less if we ever speak again. I’m very angry about how much they’ve used me at the most vulnerable place I’ve ever been and how they don’t care how shitty they’ve treated me. They knew when they ‘borrowed’ all of that money from me that I was emotionally and financially vulnerable and I just don’t see things between us ever being okay again because not only are they never going to make it right with me, but they still want to make me feel bad about their situation and do what they can to receive money from me. It’s never going to change and I can’t allow that shit into my life.

My parents are very toxic people and they’ve done what they can to drag everyone down emotionally and financially and that’s why my grandparents didn’t come around much when I was a kid. I understand how my parents have alienated the family and why they’ve been kept at a distance. They just don’t get that it’s unhealthy to borrow money from people and never pay it back. It’s time for them to get a game plan and stop thinking that everyone needs to help them. I’m never giving them another dime for as long as I live. I refuse to ever let them do to me what they’ve done in the past and I refuse to find myself in a bad place due to their mooching ever again.

Time to relax before work.