Woke up feeling the same way. in Since OD is shutting down....

It helps having my niece around because she always cheers me up. I love playing with her and just forgetting about my problems. After she went to sleep last night, I stayed up and did some online applications. There’s also a couple I have to print out and take to the employer which I plan to do tomorrow. I just can’t stay where I’m at because it’s never going to change. I’m so fucking done with that place and I’m not going to keep sticking it out, living off broken promises. Enough is enough already. I also want to find something else before I get too comfortable and never leave. I already have severe anxiety just thinking about how it will be to start a new job but I feel like the sooner the better.

I wake up this morning still feeling pretty angry and feel like it’s my new mission to find something else. I am so tired of doing the same shit every damn day and never getting ahead and actually going into debt to do my job. I don’t know how to keep dealing with this other than just be thankful I’m going to pay my car off very soon, provided it doesn’t break down in the mean time. Something’s got to give. I’m sick of feeling trapped because of my car payments and my anxiety. I know that things will get better once the car gets paid off but until then, I’m feeling very trapped and stuck. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

Not sure how much longer I’m going to have my niece but I have a test in the morning so I need some time to study. I also want to go to the gym but I don’t know if that will happen or not. I think I’m only going to cheat on my diet once a week and that’s when I go out to dinner with my friend. I’m seeing results so I don’t want to lose motivation now. I am going to be applying for jobs where I’ll be on my feet pretty much the whole time I’m at work so I need to continue losing weight. My plantar fascitis is much better since I’ve changed my diet and my feet hardly hurt at all anymore.

It’s just time for me to move on with my life. I can’t continue working for a company that’s full of broken promises that keeps telling me that things are going to get better but either never do or it’s only a temporary change. I don’t know why they are giving me the short end of the stick but I’ve never seen them promote someone and then tell them they will be for “back-up” like they’ve done to me but I’m not going to be their back up plan. Fuck that. I’ve been treated like that my whole life and not going to allow it at my fucking job. I honestly hate my bosses and think they are fucking pricks. They just look out for themselves and then wonder why they go through people like underwear. I have nothing nice to say about them anymore and have started to lose serious respect for them. They have shown how little respect they have for me and how much we all struggle to survive on what they pay us and when asking for a raise, the response I get is, “I can’t” and it’s like okay well I “can’t” live on what you pay me either.

I thank God that my friend helped me with groceries otherwise I don’t know what the fuck I was going to do. I’m so fucking tired of living like this. I seriously don’t spend any more money than I have to and I’m still coming up short and it’s because people don’t know how to fucking tip and my boss refuses to give me a better hourly wage. I live in an area where if you don’t get welfare, you can’t make it and it’s such bullshit. It’s just crazy that if you work, they don’t want to help you. I’m now also upset about my rent going up and I don’t know how the fuck I’m going to figure out how to pay that without coming up short on another bill. I’m super stressed out about this but all I can do is just not put in any extra hours anymore. I’m gonna go back to my 4 days a week and that’s it. Until I can pay off the car then I have to scrimp a little bit.

I texted my boss and told her I’ll just stick with my 4 days a week and then she asked if I would close 2 of my nights and I said no due to having to study for finals but it’s mainly because it’s a lot more work and no extra pay. Plus none of the other people that I work with help get closing stuff done and it’s exhausting having to do it all by myself. I’m just not up for it. They can find someone else. It’s already bullshit that I have to be scheduled off early on Monday because I don’t to work with that bitch that is still giving me the silent treatment, which is really ridiculous. That’s another reason why I’m ready to find another job. I know that I really shouldn’t care if she still hates me but it does bother me because it makes work tense. I’m just fucking over it. I’m ready for a change. I get tired of dreading certain days because of certain people at that place.

I’m feeling a bit better about things. I’m trying to stay level headed about everything as getting super depressed or angry isn’t going to help. I’m just looking forward to paying off my car so I can breathe a little bit and then there won’t be as much pressure to stay at the job I’m at. I’m just going to wait it out, keep working like crazy and just keep in mind that as soon as I pay off my car I will be in a better position to make decisions.

I wrote all of that way earlier. I’ve since slept, gotten to relax and eat dinner. I’m feeling okay about things. I know that things will get better, it’s just the stress and bullshit I have to deal with until then.

Alright so my friend that I worked with in the daycare, the one with the crazy/evil husband? Well apparently she spend the night with her brother last night for her niece’s birthday so he got pissed and created a big scene and then went out, got super drunk at the bar and slept with some girl!!! She posted this on Facebook and so I text her and asked if it was true or if he just said that to hurt her and she said it was true as she talked to the girl who was involved. I feel really bad for her as I know all too well what it’s like to be in relationships where the guy is just a complete douchebag and you do everything you can to make it work and go above and beyond to keep trying and all they do is hurt you and stress you out. I told her that the kids are old enough to have some understanding of what’s going on and it’s not okay for them to see her be so unhappy. I also mentioned how relationships are supposed to enhance your life and if you are constantly upset and stressed out, it’s time to let it go.

I feel really bad for her and thank God it’s not me. I’ve been through so much heartbreak and it’s taken me a really long time to realize I’m better off alone. Until someone is going to come along that’s going to let me get comfortable with them, we can just be friends first and they have the best intentions, I plan to stay single. I’m not going to be that girl that just continues bouncing from one bad relationship to the next just to take the loneliness edge off. I’m fine. I do get lonely and would love to have someone come into my life that would be my best friend, that would look out for me and someone I could plan to do stuff with but until that person comes along, I’m happy to just keep working, going to school, and getting myself together.

As much as I feel bad for my friend, it’s just another reminder of how evil men can be and how relationships can just tear you apart. I remember after my ex and I broke up, how anxious I was to find another relationship and start over when the best thing for me was to be by myself and just focus on making myself my top priority for the first time ever. I’ve spent my whole life chasing people who didn’t love me, didn’t care about me, and wasted so much of my heart and so much of my time and it’s nice to not be doing that shit anymore. I know that it’s best for me to be single right now so that I don’t get distracted by someone else’s selfishness and bullshit.

I’m going to be going to bed soon. I’ve slept a lot today, pretty much all afternoon but I still want more. I have a test in the morning and have done absolutely no studying at all but even when I do, I fail so I’m not going to waste my time anymore. The semester is almost over and I think we only have one more test after this. I honestly fucking hate Anatomy and just want to hurry up and get through this. I’m so discouraged with this class, so discouraged that I’ve even questioned if college is for me but I can’t give up as it’s my only way to ever make something of myself to be able to make a decent living. I also can’t quit college and then I’d feel really stuck at my job.

Now, I just can’t stop thinking about paying off my car and how much that is going to help my situation. I will not only be able to start paying off shit that’s giving me a bad credit score but I will feel more comfortable getting into a different job where I don’t make tips. I am just so ready to get away from a company that’s done nothing but fuck me over and break numerous promises to me and refuse to pay me enough to live on. If I didn’t get the little bit of help I do get, I would be so fucked right now. I just feel like I need to break away from that place and get into something else. I want to work for a place that believes if you take care of your employees, they will take care of you. I also know that when minimum wage goes up next month, we will still get paid the same. They can’t “afford” to give us the $8.50/hour which means they aren’t even giving us the bare fucking minimum and that’s just not going to fly with me. I’m guessing they are going to lose a lot of employees by being selfish, greedy narrow-minded pricks.

I’m just done with that place. I’m still pissed that they barely acknowledged me being there for a year. I also think it’s bullshit that there was no bonus, chances are there won’t be one for Christmas and I won’t be getting a raise next month with minimum wage going up so honestly, there’s no incentive for me to stay. I honestly believe I have my shyness/social anxiety in check enough to get a different job. I can’t stay somewhere that doesn’t appreciate me enough to even give me a small cash bonus for working for them as long as I have. I’m not going to stay and continue to get shit on anymore. I have to draw that line. I can’t continue to invest in a place that isn’t investing in me. I get that it’s a shit hole place that will just replace me like I’ve watched them replace others that doesn’t really have to care when people quit but I was really hoping things would get better and stay that way.

Anyways, I’m going to brush my teeth, play my dance game and plan to head to bed. I’m going to keep my eyes open for places that are hiring and just continue eating healthy. I’m going to get where I want to be and I’m not going to let myself get depressed or down over my job shit. Things will get better no matter what. All I know is I’m not going to be completely happy until I get the fuck out of there and I’m going to try and find something new and hopefully start sometime next month. They can take their little shit hole and shove it up their ass. I just can’t stick around anymore.

Deuces.