Tiny Circles in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

Somehow, I need to get inside my own skull and fix some of the mental hiccups that have been going on… because I cannot afford to be this blase about a lot of things that are going on!

Workouts, studying, job, making time for friends and family, and getting my marriage on track all matter to me. But… I haven’t been putting in the right energy or effort.

Hell, it has been two weeks since I last went for a legitimate run. And when I think “Oh, I’ll have time tonight. I should totally do that.” I just… kind of shrug at myself and think, “Yeah… but you need food after work, and you need to wrap presents, and you don’t have many more nights where you can play video games- so you should do that instead!”

And studying for the bar exam...... I’ve already failed this exam once. The expense of the exam, the travel required to take it, and of course the fact that I can’t be a lawyer without passing it… clearly this exam is SUPER important. But when I think “Dude, any moment you have free, you should be studying.” I just kind of shrug at myself and think, “Yeah… but the classes don’t start until the end of December, and they are going to require 12 hours of studying a day, and you are going to have to wall yourself off from people to focus on that- so you should do something else instead!”

Of course, there is the job hunt I need to be doing. Passing the bar is a large step in a much larger journey. If I pass the bar, but don’t have a job to go to; passing the bar will be a moot point. Also, many jobs have come open in the state my wife wishes us to move back to. But when I think, “Okay, do one application a day. It isn’t hard, and if you keep at it, something is bound to turn up!” I just kind of shrug at myself and think, “Yeah… but you’re not actually qualified for the jobs. Ignoring the fact that you are not a licensed attorney yet; a lot of these jobs are looking for experience and work history, and you don’t have that- so you should do something else instead!”

Then there is the digital world of friends; the video games and facebooks and proseboxes and twitters and etc. I love interacting with people, almost obsessed with it, and I will greedily gobble up any and all opportunities to read friend’s facebook posts or Prosebox entries… I really like it. But lately, I haven’t felt much ability to comment or offer anything of value… and reading while staying silent kind of makes me feel like I’m not being a good digital friend.... but I just kind of shrug at myself and think, “Yeah… but it isn’t like people are expecting you to comment. I mean, the digital world is more of a sounding board and you just happen to read some of what is on that sounding board- so you should do something else instead!”

As I think about the digital world of friends; I am reminded of the real world of friends and family. I have a great friend that lives maybe five minutes away and I haven’t spent much time with him lately. I have a wonderful family that lives two hours away and I haven’t spent much time with them for several months. I have a best friend that lives 5 hours away and he’s made time to come out and see me and I haven’t done the same for him. I have another best friend that lives 7 hours away and I haven’t seen her since (oh wow) before she got diagnosed with cancer! Not to mention all of my friends back home that I don’t stay in contact with nearly enough. But as I think about this; I just kind of shrug at myself and think, “Yeah… but it isn’t like you’ve got the time to just go visit people sporadically. You’ve got stuff going on, they’ve got stuff going on… it costs time and money to be social and those aren’t really resources many people have in abundance right now- so you should do something else instead!”

So I whittle it all away and am left with just me, in my apartment, with my wife. And… I do think things are getting better. She’s becoming much more accepting of the fact that I want to be a husband… which means I want to openly care about her, help around the house, talk with her. She’s getting used to the idea that she can let go of some of her fierce independence and control. But… we’ve been a romantic couple for ten years; we’ve been married almost 3.5 years. I want us to be a married couple; one that interacts, spends time together, willingly mutually says I love you, engages in physical intimacy including but not limited to all the things that just don’t happen with us… like regular kissing’ passionate kissing’ cuddling’ sex’ making love’ fucking. I understand that she… really didn’t think this marriage thing through… she continually says it feels bizarre that she’s married and that it seems odd that she’s a wife; she admitted that she never really thought much about the next ten or twenty or thirty years when she agreed to marry me.... these are all things that kind of need to be dealt with. But I just kind of shrug at myself and think, “Yeah… but right now, we both live in a city we don’t want to be in; work jobs that aren’t what we want to do; rarely see each other because of scheduling… besides, she’s been a lot more open to hugging recently, has been engaging in conversation with you (albeit about TV), and she doesn’t have a whole lot of time these days with Holiday Retail going on. You’re both in a comfortable holding-without-holding pattern… just let it keep going until things get better all around. So you should do something else instead… get other things on track, then come back to this.”

So… yeah… that is where I am. And what am I going to do tonight?
I’m going to stop typing… do these asinine interviews at the jail.... drive home and eat something today (besides the carrots and water I had before court)… maybe work out a little.... maybe do some dishes and/or laundry… hopefully wrap at least one present… probably play some video games and Facebook and catch up on Prosebox… consider studying for the bar exam… and wait up for my wife to come home from work around 11. ::le sigh::