In A Mood in Him

So, I’m a bit emotional right now.

I walked away from this latest encounter with the feeling that it’s really over. I know it’s inevitable, but…

He said that I would forget about him. I told him I have one of those memories. I don’t forget much. Oh so you will remember all that things I put you through? Thing is, he didn’t really put me through much I didn’t sign on for really.

But him saying that I will forget about him…So I now know that all ties will be severed. They have to be in order for him to live his life without guilt. In order for me to move on. they have to be.

But I knew this.

Doesn’t mean it will hurt less because it will hurt. I’ve been mulling over this and decided to open a notebook where I will be writing what will eventually become songs, I guess. I chronicle my pain here, but in my notebooks, they are like open letters to him, though I know he will never see them.

One thing I did learn, she is a younger version of me, in a way. So he found him someone like me. I already found someone like him, but he was already married and refused to admit it so I had to admit it for him.

So my search continues.
But my heart lags behind…
I will grieve now so that when it happens…
Who the hell am I kidding.
This will register as one of THEEEE greatest losses of my life.

People won’t understand. They will say, if he wanted to be with you then he would be with you. There are complex twists and turns that I can’t explain to make it make sense to anyone else. But this was real. When we touch, it’s not just lustful.We don’t have to at all. We can hug and it’s like…Home. A term he used first. A term he still uses. A term he started saying when he made love to me many moons ago. “I’m home…I’m home…” repeatedly in my ear…

It’s going to be a damn cold, but damn productive winter for me.

Maybe the dream about me dreaming about being pregnant and my creative flow will be born from this suffering heart I hold. Working on #2 at this time.

Well, at least he bought me the right battery for my phone before he left me all alone.

My goodness that was pathetic. LOL