I need a new outlook on the past. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so I worked like 10 hours today so I’m exhausted. It’s almost 1 am and I should be sleeping but I’m off tomorrow an I’m going to be sleeping the fuck in no matter what so it’s okay. I just took a hot bubble bath and am super excited because I got my new blankets and they are beautiful! They are both purple, just one is all purple and dark and the other one is a light purple/white color and I absolutely love both of them. My slow cooker came but I wasn’t home to sign for it so I’ll get it on Tuesday or whenever I can arrange to go pick it up because chances are, they are going to keep bringing it when I’m not home to claim it.

I’ve spent a lot of time today thinking about my ex and how much I miss him. I just can’t bring myself to hate him and it almost pisses me off. I know it would be easier for me to get over him if I could just teach myself to have hate for him but I understand why he was the way he was. I understand that he had gotten hurt so he just wanted to protect himself. He was way meaner to me then he had to be though. It’s like as much as I want to move on, I still can’t see myself with anyone else and I don’t know if that means maybe we’ll end up together down the road or if the right one just hasn’t come along yet, the one that will make me forget about him.

I know this guy treated me like shit. I know he made me cry on the daily. I know that I cried over him way more than I ever should have but I felt something real for him. Sometimes I still feel it. I think about leaving a note on his truck sometimes but there’s no point. Even if we did start talking again, it would end up the same way because he won’t let himself open up because he’s afraid he’ll get hurt but because of this, he ripped my fucking heart out and stomped it into the ground. He hurt me in ways that I hope to God I never experience again.

All I know is I need to get some things straight in my own head. Just because I’ve never been treated that good doesn’t mean it’s not possible. I read shit on Facebook all the time about how the right one is searching for me and making memories that I’ll hear about later on in life but why is it taking me so long to find him? Even when I’m not looking, I still don’t see myself ever having that family life that I’ve always dreamed of. I’m sick of this sick game. I just want to know when the fuck this shit is ever going to change. I have so many voids to fill. I’m just sick of feeling so alone.

Sometimes I wonder when I’m just going to reach the end of my road and just completely give up. My boss told me tonight about me supervising that, “we’re gonna take a step back for now that all the managers are back” but I’ll still help out with the nightly manager shit because I still have to learn it but if I’m not going to be making manager money then that’s a problem. I’m going to ask if I can get a raise and see how that goes. I am scared to ask because if she says no, I’m gonna get pissed and want to quit. I’ve been there for over a year so it would be nice to get a raise, even a small one.
I just get so fucking discouraged. I feel like I’m never going to be able to buy a house, or at least get into something bigger that I’ll ever be able to afford because I don’t make a lot of money. I’m tired of feeling stuck in this apartment. I’m tired of feeling stuck at my job because they just don’t like to pay us anything worth a fuck and that’s why we’ve lost so many good people. Most of the time I make just enough to get me by and it makes me so angry.

I can’t help but think that if I had a boyfriend/significant other to help pay bills, it would be so much easier financially. It’s just too bad that I can’t find someone who can hold down a job that would be a potential life partner. I just wish I could understand why I have to be alone and do everything by myself. It would be so nice to have someone to help me make decisions too. I get so fucking tired of doing it all by myself every damn day. Sometimes I just feel so fucking drained.

I miss my ex. After he said hi last night, I stood there acting like I was trying to figure out what other food I wanted on my plate just hoping he would have said more but he didn’t. I just wish he wouldn’t have spoke to me. God, just hearing his voice made my heart hurt all over again. I just wish I could get over him already. This has got to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I just wish I could understand why my heart can’t let him go. I honestly wish he would come back to me. I’d give anything to hold him again. Just to feel him in my arms, his lips on mine. Him looking at me like he did before we had sex. I know that all this shit meant more to me than it did him but I can’t help but think about it. It kills me to know that I’ll never hold him again. I’ll never be able to tell him again that I love him and no matter what he ever said or did, it doesn’t make me think any less of him.

Sometimes I just ask God why. Why did he pick me to hurt like he did? Why couldn’t he just be nice to me? Why did he insist on never spending time with me but always keeping me hooked? Why can’t I hate him enough to stop wanting him? What am I supposed to do when the one guy I loved more than anything in this world doesn’t want me?! How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this?!

Fuck it. I’m going to bed.