Everywhere I turn, there's another bad memory! in Since OD is shutting down....

So I looked forward to going out to eat with a friend and everything was going along fine until I ran into my ex. I wouldn’t even have noticed him until he had to talk to me. I was putting food on my plate and heard, “hi April, how are you” and instinctively I say, I’m good, how are you” and just as I said it, I realized who I was talking to! I think it’s bullshit that he felt the need to say hello when it was needed whatsoever. My friend and I were done eating anyway and I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I felt really panicky and as soon as we got in my car, I burst into tears. I took her home and then decided to get groceries at Walmart. I cried so much that I know my eyes were red and my eyelids were puffy and I must of looked out of sorts while getting groceries because some guy working there asked if I was alright. I kept like daydreaming and just couldn’t stay focused.

I know that I’m not completely over him and it was proven tonight when I cried as hard as I did and couldn’t stop wondering how differently my life would be if him and I were still together. I’m still very hurt over how he treated me and now just angry that he felt it was necessary to acknowledge me when we could have just filled our plates in silence and let it be. I remember before we broke up scared to death that things would get to how they are now and now that they are just what I never wanted them to be, I know it’s for the best. This guy was very mean to me, didn’t appreciate me, criticized everything I did and said and made sure I didn’t get too close. But despite all these things, I still miss him and wonder if I’ll ever get over him. It’s still crazy to think that he’s never going to be a part of my life like I had craved for so long. All I wanted was for him to spend time with me and he couldn’t even give me that.

It’s crazy how my feelings for him are. Sometimes I just want to walk into his work and go off on him and other times, I’m either numb or I feel like I’m okay. I honestly want to get over him. It’s crazy that no matter how many times he made me cry, was mean to me, and didn’t treat me right I know that if he came back, I would let him. I know that he will never change but for whatever reason, I can’t stop loving him. I’m always going to feel something for him, even if it’s not right in everyone else’s eyes. I just want to know when this hurt will ever go away. I’m just so angry that I wasted months of my life waiting and hoping I would ever become his priority, I longed for him to call and say that he was gonna come spend the day with me but it never happened.

I feel like there’s no drug, no drink, nothing anyone can say that will make me feel differently towards him. He truly had my heart and he threw it away. Like it was yesterday’s trash. Sometimes I feel like I’m just living in his memory, like if I think about him enough that he’ll come back. I know that I’m never going to hate him like I’m supposed to but I don’t want to love him anymore either. God, he looked the same. That same guy I once was so in love with that I never thought I could ever stop. I started to cry in the restaurant and asked my friend, ” It’s the craziest feeling in the world to be sitting in the same restaurant with the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with” but then wiped the tears away because I didn’t want him to see. I was scared that he had heard me talking about him just minutes before he saw me. I don’t think he did because they were sitting across the restaurant from us but I’m still worried about it. I guess I’ll never know.

This whole thing makes me believe I’m just unlovable. If the one guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with didn’t love me then how can anyone else? Maybe I am the horrible person my parents and my ex John told me I was. I honestly don’t know what else to say.

I just feel numb. My eyes sting and burn from crying. My eyelids are swollen. Tomorrow is my double shift and I’m going to just pray to God it goes fast so that I can just come home and be alone. I don’t even know how to deal anymore.

Goodnight.