body/looks rant (skip over this one, it's just for me to vent) in --

I really, really miss my old body.
I find myself hating my body so much everyday. I can’t stand to look at myself. I never feel sexy, even when J and I are in the midst of sex itself. He is always grabbing at me and groping me and whatnot and telling me how attractive he thinks I am, but I just don’t buy it.
I used to get looked at when I went out.
Now I’m like… invisible. Why do I care so much? It’s really stupid that I care THAT much about attention from people who don’t matter. I feel disgusted with myself for wanting that kind of validation, when I get so much of it from my fiance. I guess it needs to come from me, but that’s an issue because I’ve never been able to validate myself. I’ve always gotten it from somewhere else.

I found this picture of myself, a month or two before I got pregnant with Cannon, and I just feel so crushed. I feel so crushed and jealous of MYSELF. How ridiculous is that?

I’m struggling to lose weight.
It makes me feel frustrated and I haven’t done a single workout this week and I probably won’t, because I just feel like giving up.... but I guess I’ll just start again next week. I worked hard last week because I missed the week before from being sick… and nothing. I didn’t lose anything.

I remember last time I had a baby, by the third month of working out I was down almost 20 pounds. I’ve only lost 8 this time and it’s been three months. I’m SO beyond frustrated. I don’t even want to walk out of the house, I feel so ugly.

I feel wrecked.