Sleep was nice. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got a good nights sleep and now I just want more! My boss text me and asked if I minded closing 3 nights again and I told her I wasn’t completely excited about it but I love my job so it’s fine. I’m off Thursday and Friday this week which is definitely different but nice because it’s a change. I definitely want to be for only this week though. It just felt so damn good to sleep. Studying didn’t really get done and now I get to figure out when I can study and then take the test. I keep wanting to just put it off but I can’t put it off for more than a day or two.

I just got done with a shower and eating breakfast. I decided that if I don’t get my period by tomorrow, I’m going to make an appointment with my gyno. I truly believe I have a hormonal imbalance or something but I can’t deal with irregular periods anymore, intense PMS and the weight is still not coming off no matter what I do. I believe there has to be something going on. I looked online and everyone is saying that sometimes you don’t have your period for 35 days and tomorrow will be 35 for me. Every damn month it’s just coming later and later and it’s frustrating because I like to be able to predict pretty much down to the day when it’s coming so I can put a tampon in.

Been thinking about that guy and I am kinda down about it. I really liked him and would have loved to meet him so for him to turn out to be a lying, jobless sac of shit kinda rocked me. I know that there probably is a lot of decent guys out there but none of them have crossed my path yet. I feel like I could search the world over a million times and still come up short. It’s just sad to feel like every guy is just about themselves and what they can get from you. I feel like until I’m ready to financially support someone, I’m probably going to stay single. It’s bullshit that most guys are just looking for a meal ticket, someone who has a low self-esteem that will just let someone walk all over them and I used to be that girl! I refuse to ever be that girl again.

Pretty much every relationship around me is where someone is investing way more than the other one and that’s why shit doesn’t work out. I refuse to be that person again. I don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship where the guy actually bring just as much to the relationship as I do. It’s annoying, frustrating, and after so long I just give up. I remember my ex and how he would come over for dinner and I did everything I could to make him comfortable and he didn’t appreciate it whatsoever. I remember one time making cheeseburgers and had to get cheese and bread from my brother and he didn’t even bother to say thank you! He was the one that wanted cheese and bread so I went out of my way to make sure he had what he wanted and he was the most unappreciative asshole about it!

I just don’t want to find myself doing all those same things for someone else and they be the same way. It just seems like now until I find someone that’s putting in a lot of effort then I need to be more aware of how much effort I’m putting in as well. It’s just ridiculous how much you can invest in someone and it’s all for nothing. I also don’t want to bounce from one bad relationship to the next anymore either. I have never had a good relationship and just don’t want to waste my time unless it’s real. I’m so sick of having my time and heart wasted. I wanted so badly to believe that my ex was a good guy that just made bad decisions but he was a dick from day one and just grew increasingly mean and didn’t appreciate me at all.

It still really pisses me off about that guy in NY. It’s crazy how he thought he was going to talk me into paying for his bus ticket! I think with him saying he was afraid I’d stand him up unless I paid for his ticket was just his way to get me to pay for it. I can already predict how things would have went had I got him down here. He would have came and lived off me until I sent him back! I’m not fucking stupid, I know how this shit works! I’m just sick of finding men like this where they are just out to use, abuse, manipulate and have selfish intentions! Why is it so fucking hard to find a normal fucking guy?!?!?!?!!?

I just made an appointment with the doctor but I’m going to cancel. I want to wait a week and then tell them I lost my job so that I don’t have a pay a ridiculous co-pay, especially when the lady said if they can’t figure out what’s going on with me, they’ll have to send me somewhere else. I’m sorry but that’s bullshit! I’m going to just wait until next week and see how things go this week with my weight. I plan to continue eating all the right things and see if weight comes off or not and if not, I will have to go in. Especially if I don’t get my period. If it doesn’t come tomorrow, I’m going to come unglued. I’m so fucking sick of having to worry about this every month, especially when I’m not sexually active! Now I have to worry that there’s something medically wrong! I cancelled that appointment but I know I will more than likely still have to go in. I’m just so sick of having to worry about this shit but I’m also getting annoyed as fuck that I’ve completely changed my diet and the weight is STILL NOT COMING OFF! Like are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?!!? This is fucking bullshit!

Anyways, I ordered that blanket, another blanket, and a crock pot that has different settings because now that it’s winter time, I want to have like a stew or soup slow cooking so I have a nice hot dinner to come home to. I know about a lot of different things to make in a crock pot that are healthy and cheap so I’m going to start doing that. I’m also frustrated that I am eating about half the calories as before along with eating less than 200 carbs a day and I’m still not seeing a difference in my weight. I know that it takes time but this is fucking ridiculous! I walk around having to sacrifice not eating the things I want to eat, along with drinking a shit ton of water everyday and my weight is not going down.

Time for work.