Work, studying, needing sleep, my heart is closed off. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so I worked noon to 5 ish yesterday and noon to 4:30 today. I had my niece last night and it was so hard to sleep with her in my bed as I’m not used to sharing my bed with anyone and I just couldn’t get comfortable. I haven’t gotten nearly enough sleep for days and I have to close the next 3 nights as there’s no one else to do it. I haven’t been able to get my packets completely done for my test in the morning so I’m going to put the test off until I believe Wednesday when I can make it up. I know I’m going to fail no matter what but if I get to at least study, I have a fighting chance to hopefully get at least a D. I emailed my student success coach about when the make up time will be so I can just catch up on sleep and spend some time trying to relax tomorrow before work.

Um yeah so I went out to eat with a friend on Friday night and then started talking to this guy from NY. He was very sweet, loving, affectionate, and someone I really really wanted to meet. Long story short, he had lied about having a job for the 2 days I’ve been talking to him and I don’t plan to try and have anything more to do with him. I understand not having a job but why not just be honest about it?!?!?!?! It really pisses me off when people can’t just be fucking honest. It has completely ruined everything. The only positive that came out of this was getting to know very quickly this isn’t someone who is worth my time. He had mentioned several times about me coming to see him in NY, even a tad pushy when I’ve told him I can’t just pick up and leave when I have school and work. I told him he could come visit me and then tonight, I could tell he was wanting to tell me something but just couldn’t find the words. Well, he finally came out and told me that he hasn’t been working and isn’t sure when he will be again. I wasn’t even mad. I just knew that this guy was too amazing to be for real. It also pissed me off when he kept mentioning how he wanted to come visit but was scared I would stand him up so he talked about me paying for his fucking ticket! UM FUCK TO THE NO! Where the fuck do people get off?!?!?!!? It’s crazy how men don’t understand that it’s their responsibility to try and make the effort in the beginning!

I’ve decided that I need to just completely close my heart off and just accept that I’m better off alone. I refuse to let myself be used or pay someone to spend time with me at any cost so I will probably be alone for the rest of my life. It’s just sad that in this day and age, good people just get fucked because they are hoping to find someone with a good heart when in reality, it’s just not that way. I was really hoping that we could have had something where we could maybe visit each other every few months or something and if this got serious, one of us could move to be with the other one but I can’t and will NOT be with someone who can’t keep job. I know that I went through that shit too but this guy was 34 years old, still living at home, had a kid that he didn’t financially support and was trying to get me (who just met him 2 days ago) to pay for his bus ticket to come see me! I’m sorry but if you can’t keep a job at 34 then you should probably worry more about that than starting a new relationship!

I’m just done. I give up on finding someone. I’m just sick of feeling like every guy out there has some secret or something about them that makes it impossible to try and have something long term with. I know that I’m better off single because that way I don’t have to worry about someone coming into my life and complicating shit. I would love to have someone to share my life with but for now, I have to just accept that I’m where God wants me to be and things will change when I stop pushing for them to.

I have more to talk about but I’m just exhausted and I have a brand new week staring me in the face so I’m gonna go to bed and probably sleep until noon. I can’t stop yawning and my bed is calling my name.

More tomorrow.