And I am a sad, pathetic mess.
I have been real down in the dumps. I hate getting like that. So often I try to understand my feelings in hopes of making them go away… Doesn’t really work.
Karma, at its finest, hit me.
The husband and I weren’t so stable before I had my affair. But my affair was a real deal breaker right then and there. I chose someone who wasn’t even half of what he was. I knew that, too.. I don’t know why, but I just didn’t care. In turn, teenage girls got picked over me. Lol what in the world was I thinking? I really wish I knew. This is why people pay therapists tons of money to understand what is going on inside of them. He and the teenage girls work at subway with me. Though this has been going on for quite some time, the drama has just become too much. I have put in my two weeks notice. Which seriously sucks because I need that extra cash. Once I get my car, I will look into another second job. I am leaving subway and never looking back. That place was trashy {not the actual subway, but the crew lol}. Everyone just tries fucking everyone else. A bunch of teenagers or people who just act like teenagers that in 20’s and 40’s.. I left myself become a part of that. I am severely disappointed in myself. Out of sight, out of mind. Because of how long I have been there, I decided to give them a two weeks notice. My last day is December 5th, and that can’t come soon enough. I will miss actual subway though. I will miss the crap out of my regulars, too. Stupid shit.
The nursing home is going okay. We moved into a new, way too fancy building on Thursday. This was my first actual shift there. Omg a confusing mess. The halls are ridiculously long. The kitchen staff could not stop fighting long enough to have meals run smoothly. They split up all the residents and put them all over the place. Grr it was just a mess. I got separated from my team. I was pretty butt hurt about that. But since I am the newer employee, people before me got memory care.. which is where my team is. I had to work with all new people and residents. I am not happy about all that.. This job is what I am meant to do though. It doesn’t matter who my team is or who my residents are, I am there for those little old people. I strive for excellence and making them all comfortable and happy in their own home. I love it. I am glad that after subway I can focus all my time and energy into just that job.
I guess everything doesn’t fully suck…
I just hate not understanding my feelings or why I do what I do.
I hate being sad, disappointed, angry… Actually, I just hate all emotions. Except happiness. Happiness rocks.
I don’t think I will ever find the love I want. Maybe it isn’t that simple? I don’t know. The husband really wants me to move in with him. I just don’t think that is what I want. He doesn’t care about me in the way I need him to. I am left feeling sad and alone more than I am happy and loved with him.
Loyalty means nothing to anyone anymore either. Finding someone who cherishes you and only you doesn’t seem to be something that is possible anymore. I really want to hold out for that.
There was a time where I thought my husband was the person I was meant to be with forever. That was a big deal to me, too. He was the only person I have ever felt that way about. While he seems to cherish me.. I feel like I am just a toy to him. He doesn’t really like playing with me ever, but no one else is allowed to even want to play with the toy. He cares about work, himself, his needs, more of himself.. Honestly though, he is a great dad. The best. Seriously. Just not a supportive partner. I don’t think that is what I want forever anymore. I feel like I could possibly be missing out on someone who does only cherish me. Or someone who really does give a shit about my day. Someone who doesn’t just want to associate with me for sex. Someone who cares about helping lessen my burdens and be an equal partner to me…
I just don’t know. About anything. Anymore.
I need to feel love. I need to feel like someone cares about me, is interested in me, wants me… And I fucking hate that. I hate being needy. But I need right now…
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