Shit talkers and no school or work on Thanksgiving. in Since OD is shutting down....

I forgot to mention these two things earlier today in my last entry but I found out a couple of nights ago that people at my work believe I only got my promotion because I’m buddies with the boss outside of work! I had a co-worker come up to me and ask me about it in kind of a rude way and it really pissed me off so later I asked him who told him and it was 2 guys that I’ve always been very nice too and actually covered shifts for! I was really fucking hurt to find out that after I’ve been very nice to both of these people they would say something so fucking hurtful! I’m sorry that I’ve been there for over a year, I’ve always come in early, stayed late, closed when asked, picked up co-workers or taken them home and have gone above and beyond for my promotion!

I understand that these people are probably jealous, or just don’t like me or whatever but it still really hurt my feelings. I shouldn’t care because both of them have quit but it makes me wonder how many people feel like I didn’t deserve my promotion and that bothers me. I understand that what people think of me is none of my business but if they are in any way rude to me, I will be a complete bitch right back. Seriously, people piss me off so fucking bad. It’s bullshit that no matter how nice you are to people, they will still manage to say really fucked up shit behind your back!!

I decided that I’m going to continue being nice to people but I’m not gonna go out of my way to do it anymore. I’ve realized that no matter how nice you are, people will always find reasons to talk shit behind your back so if I’m kind of an asshole and they talk shit, I’ll be able to understand why. I feel like I’m still trying way too hard with people and I need to just treat them whatever and if they don’t like it, oh well. Nobody goes out of their way to be nice to to me or even really acknowledge me unless they need to so I need to start being the same way.

All this stuff makes me realize that I need to take a step back and think about how I relate to people. Just because I’m lonely and don’t have much of a social life doesn’t mean that I need to try so hard with people. I know I don’t try as hard as before but I still feel like I try way harder with people than they do for me. It’s just crazy how people still don’t have anything nice to say about me no matter what. I remember years ago when I was a complete bitch all the time and didn’t care when people hated me but now that I have become a nicer person AND THEY ARE STILL saying negative things, it makes me super mad!

Anyways, I’m just getting ready for work. Annoyed that my bs is like 183 when all I had for lunch was 2 hot dogs, some cottage cheese, a small can of fruit and some chicken salad type stuff with 6 crackers. Last night it was 118 when I went to bed. I’m just terrified that I’m going to work so hard at eating all the right things and even being hungry and still not lose weight. Ugh, this whole thing is so frustrating! I just hope that all of this is going to pay off. I’ve also been drinking some hot tea today that is supposed to help with dieting.

I’m so tired. I was even yawning at Zumba. I’m anxious to get my night over with, my class in the morning and hopefully come home and take a fucking nap. I can’t close 3 out of the 4 nights I work again. I plan on telling them I can close next Tuesday and that’s it. I honestly don’t want to do it again until I have a small break from school in like a month. It’s just miserable getting off work around 11 or midnight, come home for dinner and then try to get to bed before 1:30 am and then up by like 7am and try to function like that for days at a time. I’m also sick of being cold all the fucking time too. It would probably help to have like an actual winter coat and boots because then I wouldn’t just have to deal with my socks being wet after having to walk in snow.

I really wish I could go to bed right now at 3pm. I’m just tired, cold, and definitely ready for a break. I’m probably gonna see about the tutor tomorrow as we have our test on Monday morning. I’m honestly gonna be so fucking glad when this semester is over. I fucking hate anatomy. I understand it but just struggle to remember everything for the test and no matter how much I study, I’m still failing. I decided that if I don’t pass, I’m going to change my degree so I don’t have to take it again. I seriously refuse to take that fucking class again. I am happy to know there’s no final in that class. There’s one in Med Term but I know I’ll do just fine. It’s just crazy how I excel in some classes and can’t do well at all in others.

It’s almost time for work. I’m just hoping my night goes by incredibly fast because all I want to do is get it over with so I can come home and go to bed. I really don’t want to close anymore. I fucked up the deposit massively on Tuesday night because the whole night was fucked up and there were so many distractions. I get how to do it for the most part but at the end of the night, I was super tired and couldn’t just be by myself to figure it and concentrate because my manager said the co-worker that was there with me had to stay until I was done and he was super pissed about it because he wanted to go buy crack. He was super impatient so it was making me rush and I was so uncomfortable with it. As soon as I told him he had to stay, he got really pissed and was like, “I have shit to do” and it’s okay well it’s almost midnight, what else could you be doing besides trying to find a fucking rock?! OMG it made me so mad. I’m hoping tonight will go good again like it did last night. My manager did a bunch of shit for me which was nice but I want to know I have it down 100% first as I don’t want to get used to someone already doing most everything and then I will never be good at it.

I feel super ugly and fat right now because my blood sugar is higher than I think it should be. OMG I’m so stressed out that I’m not going to lose weight. I really hate this whole thing and feel very envious of skinny people, especially the ones that don’t have to try and stay thin. It’s so annoying to be heavy. All I know is I’m going to lose weight or I’ll die trying. Failure is no longer an option. I can’t let myself continue on a bad path. I’m almost 30 and would really like to be smaller before my birthday. I just checked my blood sugar again and it went down 40 points which is really good that I dropped that many points within the past hour an a half. It definitely makes me feel better about things.

Almost time for work. I’m hoping to make enough tonight to buy groceries and that blanket I want. I would love to order it and hopefully it would come by Thanksgiving so I have it when I’m sleeping in! Omg, that would be so awesome. I’m just so looking forward to Thanksgiving because I don’t have school or work and I’m probably going to hang out with my brother at his house.

Time to head out.