Tired af. in Since OD is shutting down....

Super fucking tired today and struggled to get out of bed. I know I’m going to drag ass all night at work but after tonight, I’m off for 3 days! I went to my class this morning and was only there 10 minutes because our instructor wasn’t feeling well so we did our quiz and showed her that we got our reviews done and then she let us leave. I just got done with breakfast and now I’m drinking some hot tea. I’m all about my weight loss stuff. Yesterday I ate healthy as fuck and am now watching carbs as well. I had between 100-150 yesterday and plan to keep it around that amount. I wish I could tolerate eating salad daily but I can’t. I’ve decided to buy a lot of fat free jello/pudding as the stuff has only 1 carb, it’s super cheap and healthy! I’ve been looking online at this stuff and have some ideas on some new stuff to buy. I’m going to get some turkey lunch meat and string cheese and make roll ups. I’m also going to make sure to eat more eggs as they have no carbs and I love eggs. I’ve decided to also give up bread and pasta. I weighed myself this morning and already saw a pound difference. I know it’s not much but it’s encouraging. I’m going to continue doing well and see how fast the weight comes off. I know that it may not come off right away and maybe all at once but I’m already feeling hopeful.

I felt extremely panicked yesterday. It was kinda lingering all day and then when I get to work, I see the cars of the people that give me the silent treatment in the parking lot and I’m instantly uncomfortable. I just there for a second to take a deep breath and think before I went inside. I know that I’m getting really sick of the silent treatment with these people but I just wish it didn’t bother me as much as it does sometimes. I was also getting pissed because tips were fucking awful and I had to close but it was much easier last night. I’m hoping for another easy night tonight because I’m tired as a motherfucker. I ended up calling my brother and having a slight breakdown because my anxiety just wouldn’t quit and I like to talk to him about it because he has it too. He just said it’s my mind going too fast and to just take a few deep breaths. I did and it helped but it’s exhausting to try and keep myself from a panic attack. Sometimes it ends up even worse if I hold it in. Ugh.

I saw my counselor yesterday. He didn’t offer a lot of advice about things but did say something about helping me lose weight. It was just nice to have someone listen to me and feeling trusting enough to open up to someone. I’ve really missed him and it was so good to just have someone listen without judging or get mad for me expressing my feelings. I wish I had more people like that in my life, like friends or family. It sucks that I’m going to end up paying $40 a session to have someone listen to me talk about myself because I don’t have that now. I am hopeful that he can help me figure out how to deal with things better with my family and provide advice on how to lose weight.

Next week, I’m going to visit with him more about my little brother and what avenues I can take to help him. He did mention this place I used to go to but I want to talk to him about it more before I call them. Anytime I’ve ever reached out to agencies about my little brother, they pretty much believe I’m doing it just because I don’t like my parents and I’m trying to hurt them when all I want is for my little brother to have some independent tendencies and have more of a life. We also talked about how I feel guilty that I don’t hang out with him and it made me tear up. I do feel enormously guilty because he is a good kid that just needs more of a social outlet than what he has and more to do.

I’m waiting to go to Zumba. I’m just exhausted and scared I’m not going to make it through my day. I almost want to just go pass out but I don’t know when I’ll get to the gym again before Tuesday and it makes me feel so much better about my weight loss when I am physically active. I’m already noticing even a pound coming off and yeah it’s not much, but it’s a start. I also feel better about things because I found a lot of low carb foods to buy that are cheap and taste good. I really don’t think this is terribly hard but I have just been frustrated that I’m not seeing results as fast as I was 2 years ago. I know that your metabolism can change with age but hopefully if I stick to what I’m doing, I’ll see results like I want.

It’s cold again today. I’m already sick of it being cold and winter has only started recently so I’m going to be extra sick of it by the time it starts getting warm again. I would really like to move to a place that doesn’t get cold like this. I just hate always wearing a coat, having to worry about falling down because everywhere you walk is slippery, and knowing that we still have several months of this shit!! I literally hate being cold or hot but being cold is really a bitch. I took a hot bubble bath before work yesterday just to get warm and it made me so comfortable, I just wanted to go to bed and then got mad because I knew I had to go to work! It sucked big time.

So y’all remember my friend Kevin and how he deleted me a few months ago? Um yeah so he decided to send me a Facebook message yesterday saying he just wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. Fuck no. You not only stop talking to me but go out of your way to delete me like I’m yesterday’s trash and then decide a few months later to contact me?!!?!?!?! Again, this really pisses me off. I’m really tired of people thinking it’s okay to breeze in and out of my life and I will not allow it anymore! I did that with my friend April for like 8 years and I’ve come to understand that when you let people treat you like that, you are basically saying it’s okay to treat you like you don’t have feelings! I understand that you don’t have to talk to your friends daily to be friends but when you go as far as deleting me from Facebook, that’s basically deleting me out of your life so once you push me out just know that I’m out for good. I’m not the most forgiving person anymore as I won’t let my loneliness make me that desperate, vulnerable person in the past to let people come back when it’s convenient for them! No fucking thanks, not interested!!!!

Another problem I have with Kevin is he’s always on the road and is only home like 3 days a month and on those days, he has his son so we never hung out. Most of the time, I wouldn’t even hear from him when he was going to be in town so we could even attempt to make plans to hang out and I just didn’t see the point in continuing a friendship with him. He basically called me when he was driving and bored and it was always just to bitch about his ex-wife and how his son is always bugging him to put money in his account. I just got so tired of hearing about that shit along with everyone else that pisses him off and after like an hour of not being able to get a word in edge-wise, I’d finally have to tell him I needed to go charge my phone. I also got annoyed that I didn’t hear from him for months and then notice he deletes me off Facebook?! Wow okay well you aren’t getting any more chances to be in my life. It’s just not my kinda party!

Anyways, I just get tired of being eliminated from peoples’ lives in one way or another, especially when I either don’t get to know why or there’s no way to fix it because they are immature fucks. But I just have reached the point in my life where I will not allow people to walk all over me or only be in contact with me just because they need someone to be there for them and never take into account that it would be nice if I had people there for me sometimes too!!! I just don’t get where people are coming from and why they think it’s okay to treat me the way they have! I know that I’m lonely and everything but one of my biggest mistakes has always been giving people way more chances than I should and it just ends up a bad thing in the end. My friend April and I had words last September over it and I don’t plan to talk to her ever again. I have had enough and until I find people that actually want to be a consistent part of my life then they don’t need to be around at all! I have actually thought about unblocking her and see if she contacts me and maybe try to work things out but even if that happened, it would end up being the same shit again. She would be around for awhile until she found someone better to hang out with and then disappear once again. I’m not going to sign myself up for that anymore.

I will admit that I miss her but I don’t miss how intrusive she would be with my financial situation. She would straight up ask me when I would be working how much money I was making and one time even ask if I got disability! Um yeah that shit made me super uncomfortable. I mean, I did like how much fun we had when we did hang out and that’s why it was just devastating when she would disappear for months at a time! It was absolutely crushing because it made me feel like there had to be something wrong with me as to why she couldn’t be a consistent part of my life and even if that was true, wouldn’t she have stayed away permanently?! I just don’t understand. I also don’t miss how she would basically invite me out just so that her and her boyfriend would have a ride home or how she would ask me to come give her and her man a ride home from the bar at 2am, especially when she didn’t even invite me to come along! She was a true asshole and this is some of the shit I think about when I consider unblocking her. I’m never going back to putting up with any of that shit again. No fucking way!

Zumba time.