Silent treatment, diet, work, blah. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I had a little peak into some drama yesterday. I get a random text asking me about my relationship with that boy I work with..ya know the one I made out with that has a girlfriend? Yup. I get that text and immediately call a friend and ask her what to do and she says to answer saying I’m his co-worker and ask who it is because if I didn’t then it may look like I’m trying to hide something. I personally didn’t want to respond as I don’t like feeling like I owe anyone an explanation, especially someone that i don’t know! But, I do what she said and then the person never answered back. I assume it was his girlfriend so later on at work I asked him to delete my phone number out of his phone and he looked at me waiting to see if I would say more and then was like, “already did” which kinda hurt my feelings but glad that he actually did. I really hope no drama comes from this as this is my job and I don’t want to deal with it. I’m sorry that anything went on between this boy and I but if he would have told me upfront he had a girlfriend nothing would have happened!

Diet so far is going alright except last night I ate fast food for dinner. I was super fucking hungry at work and knew that I had nothing at home to eat so my friend hooked me up with some free dinner which was awesome! I know that I’m done eating that shit for awhile but I knew that if I didn’t eat soon, my blood sugar was going down and I wasn’t about to deal with that shit. But today I’ve had cereal with a banana, sliced pineapple and yogurt for breakfast and I just finished a salad. I’m bound and determined I’m going to lose weight. I literally can’t handle my size and have to get down to a size where I can actually like myself again. I’m so pissed that I let myself fall back into eating my feelings after my ex left me because here I am trying to not only lose that weight but even more. I just wish I wouldn’t have let myself get so caught up in heartbreak like that and I refuse to ever go down that road again.

Monday night at work are almost enough to make me have a panic attack. The closing manager is that girl (that is STILL giving me the silent treatment) and I’m literally so fucking sick of her shit that I could scream! It’s been 6 months now and I think at this point it’s just gone on for so long that neither one of us know how to fix it or care to. I know I don’t anymore because I think she’s a fucking snake but I just hate being uncomfortable. Now, I’m worried that it’s going to be the same thing with that boy. I had to deal with both of them last night and it just made me feel so out of place which I don’t like because I’ve been there longer than both of them! It just bothers me when people act like I don’t exist, like it bothers me on levels that i can’t even begin to describe. I’m just glad that I’m only scheduled for about 2 hours after she shows up so I really don’t have to look at her ugly face for too long.

I went to aqua Zumba earlier and forgot how much I loved it. I haven’t been there in about 3 weeks and I plan to go on Thursday as well. I also need to make a real effort to see the tutor as well otherwise I don’t know what I’m going to do about my class. I still don’t know how much of a chance I have to pass that class as she never did call me but maybe I can talk to her tomorrow after class, provided I can talk to her alone as I don’t want everyone to hear about me failing because it’s none of their business. I always want to talk to her but as soon as class is over, everyone is really slow to leave the classroom so I just get my shit and leave.

I feel super tired today and I’m not sure why. I was sleeping by 11:30 and got up at like 7. I had a friend that was going to come over and shower (her pipes are frozen) but she wasn’t to get off work until midnight and I’m so thankful she never did come over because I probably wouldn’t have had the energy to get up and let her in. I feel like an asshole but I didn’t want to wait up for her or have her call, wake me up and then have to answer the door.

So I have my class tomorrow at 10am and then counseling at noon. It’s free through my school but they will only pay for 3 sessions and then after that it’s income based but it’s still too expensive to pay for out of my own pocket so I’m just going to try and get as much out of it as I can in my 3 sessions or see if they could make it more affordable for me. It’s with a counselor that I saw as a teenager and then about 8 years ago when I get in some legal trouble and he wrote a letter for me. I’m really excited about counseling and think it’s going to feel awesome to have someone to talk to that I can trust to keep everything I say to themselves and can offer some advice. I would like to maybe talk about my parents and see if there’s better way to try and communicate with them. I would also like some ideas to try and meet some new people (besides church or the bar) and maybe talk about my ex’s a little bit too. I still have very mixed emotions for both of them and I’d like someone else’s point of view on these things.

It’s warmer today (about 35) very sunny but windy. I’m grateful that it isn’t so shitty outside because it definitely gets old. I’m not a fan of winter and it sucks that it’s already started so early again this year. I really hope that it isn’t going to be too terrible this time around but because it’s already started and has been pretty fucking miserable, it’s going to be annoying as fuck again.

I’ve ordered some yoga pants. Not leggings because I don’t like how narrow they are at the bottoms so I’ve ordered some with flare and the waist is like rainbow striped. I’m super excited and hope they’ll be here before I go to work. I still need to find a pair of snow boots but I just can’t find any that I like. It’s a big decision, especially because I need to make sure they will be comfortable due to my plantar fasciitis. I also ordered some more lip rings (I have the monroe piercing) and a package of hard candy makeup that has like 25 pieces. I don’t buy a lot of things like this but every time I have like an extra $30 I like to buy a couple of things. I also got a catalog in the mail yesterday from a place that just sells drapes and bedding and saw an amazing microfleece blanket that I would love to have for $30 and it’s purple!! They have all kinds of colors but purple is my favorite. I’m gonna wait and see how my cash flow is at the end of the week before I get it though.

So tonight I close as a manager. And tomorrow night. And Thursday night. I’m a little nervous because I still don’t know everything I need to know but I’m not as nervous as I used to be. Things are getting easier. I’m still kinda nervous and panicky and will be until I know exactly what I have to do but for now, I can say it’s getting easier.

I just took my diet drink for the first time in about a week an half. I have to buy more of it pretty soon and just don’t know how I can afford it unless they give it to me at a discount again. I’m going back to watching portion sizes, making sure to add plenty of fruits and veggies to my diet, cut out bread, limit dairy and try to exercise everyday, even if it’s just playing my game on the Wii. I’m quite content with my job and for the most part at school but now it’s time to make some real changes within my body. I’m on my pursuit of happiness and one of the main things that would make me happy is to not be a fat cow. I know everyone tells me I’m beautiful but I’m not. I think I am when I have makeup on but I just don’t like what I see on the scale or in the mirror. I hate having to buy plus size clothes and not being able to buy certain clothes because I’m so big. I’m so angry for gaining this weight but I’m going to do everything I can to get it off.

Anyway, I have about an hour before work. I’m glad I went to aqua Zumba today. That makes me feel better. I wish that class was an everyday thing. I have to start working out everyday if I want to get this weight off me. I just like being in the water and I can go do laps anytime but it’s just not as fun. But I have to stay motivated to at least be doing stuff at home. I’m going to look up some work out routines I can do at home and start doing yoga more. I have a yoga DVD and a mat and I’ve only used the stuff like twice. It’s like I just get so lazy on my days off that I don’t do any more than I have to and I have to start doing some stuff, even if it’s just a little bit.

I’m having a pretty good day and I’m just hoping nobody comes along and fucks it up. I have to work here soon and hopefully that will go okay. Things have been pretty good lately and it would be nice if they stayed that way. I also wish we could hire some cool people because I feel like I have no one to really talk to and connect with since all my favorites have either quit or work for a different store. It also sucks that the ones that are left that I like aren’t there much or work on my days off. I’m also hoping for some new dudes to hit on haha.

Anyways, going to relax for 30 minutes and then off to work.